i crave quiet
not sullen silence
not the sound of air that rings with anger
and the remembrance of the words last hurled
i crave peace
not whispered jabs
not frozen fury, felt as a chill in the air
or murderous glances directed at anyone nearby
to have quiet and peace
to have calm and rest
sanctuary from strife
not here, not today;
hold out one more moment
be still as a gull on a stone in the sea
watch the waves and feel the breeze
knowing at any moment, to take wing and rise
to have quiet and peace
calm and rest
sanctuary in the storm
10.3.12
23.1.12
cranky day.
today is cranky day.
today, i rebel and i refuse.
today, i don't want to do things the way i know i ought to.
fuck doing something new. fuck taking action. i have a friend who insists that action is greater than inaction. but i'll tell you right now that taking action SUCKS. inaction is easier. inaction means you don't get hurt as quickly.
taking action, well - it hurts sometimes. and you feel like an ass sometimes. and then you wanna sit in a corner with your stash of guilty-pleasure snacks and/or a nice bottle of something and not move til everyone around you has forgotten that you even existed in the first place, never mind forgetting what you did.
and there's no one you can apologise to, because really you're the only one that hurts and you did it to yourself anyhow, and then when you're curled up in the corner you say things to to yourself like, well, i guess i'm just a fucking idiot, why the fuck did i do that, that was so dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid, now don't ever do anything that retarded ever again, no, actually, NEVER do anything again EVER.
and then you feel like crap.
and the next time you throw inaction out the window, and oh, look! it backfired on you AGAIN! well, now you're just all kinds of idiot for not listening to yourself when you said not to do anything again ever. serves you right, dumb-butt, why the hell didn't you listen to your own advice, why the fuck would you do a thing like that when you knew what happened last time.
inaction is so much easier. inaction means you don't impale yourself on a stupid decision and end up bleeding all over the place.
doing something. bah.
maybe tomorrow i'll be back to my normal masochistic impale-myself-on-my-own-decisions self.
today, i don't wanna.
today, i rebel and i refuse.
today, i don't want to do things the way i know i ought to.
fuck doing something new. fuck taking action. i have a friend who insists that action is greater than inaction. but i'll tell you right now that taking action SUCKS. inaction is easier. inaction means you don't get hurt as quickly.
taking action, well - it hurts sometimes. and you feel like an ass sometimes. and then you wanna sit in a corner with your stash of guilty-pleasure snacks and/or a nice bottle of something and not move til everyone around you has forgotten that you even existed in the first place, never mind forgetting what you did.
and there's no one you can apologise to, because really you're the only one that hurts and you did it to yourself anyhow, and then when you're curled up in the corner you say things to to yourself like, well, i guess i'm just a fucking idiot, why the fuck did i do that, that was so dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid, now don't ever do anything that retarded ever again, no, actually, NEVER do anything again EVER.
and then you feel like crap.
and the next time you throw inaction out the window, and oh, look! it backfired on you AGAIN! well, now you're just all kinds of idiot for not listening to yourself when you said not to do anything again ever. serves you right, dumb-butt, why the hell didn't you listen to your own advice, why the fuck would you do a thing like that when you knew what happened last time.
inaction is so much easier. inaction means you don't impale yourself on a stupid decision and end up bleeding all over the place.
doing something. bah.
maybe tomorrow i'll be back to my normal masochistic impale-myself-on-my-own-decisions self.
today, i don't wanna.
12.1.12
umbrellas
i see thunderclouds scudding by
past the lonely hills, grey and muffled
disappearing over the horizon
driven before the gale like cattle
streaks of ice-cold rain chill the air
soaking into the crevasses of the earth
winter-bare branches reach sky-ward
empty nests perched on the highest limbs
the cold cleaves through skin and muscle
i have no respite from the implacable wind
here yet wander i, restless and uncaring
past silent trees and flood-sated streams.
i see the thunderclouds scudding by
past my lonely head, horizon to horizon
my hair grows wet with rain.
umbrellas are for wimps.
past the lonely hills, grey and muffled
disappearing over the horizon
driven before the gale like cattle
streaks of ice-cold rain chill the air
soaking into the crevasses of the earth
winter-bare branches reach sky-ward
empty nests perched on the highest limbs
the cold cleaves through skin and muscle
i have no respite from the implacable wind
here yet wander i, restless and uncaring
past silent trees and flood-sated streams.
i see the thunderclouds scudding by
past my lonely head, horizon to horizon
my hair grows wet with rain.
umbrellas are for wimps.
13.12.11
shards on the tile, shards of my mind
is the glass half empty, or is it half full? because i find my glass has shattered on the tile, and i can see myself reflected in every tiny piece. here lies my eye, here my lip. here an ear and there an arm. no piece reflecting all, but each taking some small portion and throwing it back disconnected from the whole. do i mend it? or do i discard it? is it even worth thinking about, or should i just walk away and leave the shards lying where they fell, reflecting pieces of what they see? if i step forward or if i step back, my blood smears the tiles as the broken glass mercilessly jabs my feet; but if i stand unmoving, my reflection mocks me without remorse, all the tiny pieces jumbled together into a crude representation, not truly myself.
outside i see the trees. all the leaves are gone, vanished into some cruel fancy of the wind, or clustered on the ground in pathetic heaps. the sky hints of snow. the air is icy, and i shiver at the thought of going out.
if i had my way, i would isolate myself from everything and everyone, to go hide in some dark secluded hole, where no-one can find me. i would have no reminders of things left undone, of words left unsaid, of changes left unmade. i would see no shadows of things i could have done, should have done, ought to have done differently. and for once the snide and ruthless audience that resides in my head, and lives to tell me what i did wrong, will have silence instead of critiques. oh, to hear a void in my mind, rather than the opera-house full of mockery and ridicule, that would be glorious indeed.
my eyes sting with half-conceived tears, and a dull ache has settled in my heart. my emotions have tied themselves in a knot in the middle of my chest and will not come undone, no matter how or which way i tug, and the end will not show itself.
so is the glass half empty? or is it half full? or perhaps it is shattered.
outside i see the trees. all the leaves are gone, vanished into some cruel fancy of the wind, or clustered on the ground in pathetic heaps. the sky hints of snow. the air is icy, and i shiver at the thought of going out.
if i had my way, i would isolate myself from everything and everyone, to go hide in some dark secluded hole, where no-one can find me. i would have no reminders of things left undone, of words left unsaid, of changes left unmade. i would see no shadows of things i could have done, should have done, ought to have done differently. and for once the snide and ruthless audience that resides in my head, and lives to tell me what i did wrong, will have silence instead of critiques. oh, to hear a void in my mind, rather than the opera-house full of mockery and ridicule, that would be glorious indeed.
my eyes sting with half-conceived tears, and a dull ache has settled in my heart. my emotions have tied themselves in a knot in the middle of my chest and will not come undone, no matter how or which way i tug, and the end will not show itself.
so is the glass half empty? or is it half full? or perhaps it is shattered.
8.12.11
A riddle.
One if the riddles of my existence is the fact that I judge other people based on my own judgments of myself.
Sometimes when I'm with a friend, and I'm having fun, I would be perfectly happy to hang out with them all day. But when I think about how they are feeling, I assume that they are totally sick of being around me, that they want me to leave them alone, and that I am being a total nuisance.
I then spiral into a black and self-hating hole, where I assume that since my friend, as I assumed, doesn't want me around, then I am a horrible person, and therefore the world hates me and therefore I should also hate me, and if the world hates me, then my friend does too, and therefore I am an even worse person for inflicting myself on them, so then I hate myself even more.
And this happens even when I know the person really well.
I try not to let myself go into that sad little spiral, but sometimes, no matter how careful I am, I still slip up and fall in.
It's not fun.
21.11.11
what i have learned.
you failed
the cry rang out across the hills
the world screamed out the words
you failed
and still my heart pounds louder than a drum
my ears have strained to hear
you failed
reverberates again
another shout, just those two words
you failed
no promise of later gain
no oath or pledge that i will pass the test
you failed
and a small quiet whisper in the back of my mind
insists to me
you failed, well done
you gave it your all
i asked no more,
you heeded the call
you failed
and i'm proud
now do it again.
the cry rang out across the hills
the world screamed out the words
you failed
and still my heart pounds louder than a drum
my ears have strained to hear
you failed
reverberates again
another shout, just those two words
you failed
no promise of later gain
no oath or pledge that i will pass the test
you failed
and a small quiet whisper in the back of my mind
insists to me
you failed, well done
you gave it your all
i asked no more,
you heeded the call
you failed
and i'm proud
now do it again.
16.10.11
it's a sea
oceans of words
ebb and flow with the tide
of emotions in my soul
many words are not enough
and a single word too much
to articulate my meaning
i want to say more
i'm afraid to say more
waves of words bowl me over
and you are the cliff
against which my oceans crash
but i don't want to overwhelm you
please don't crumble or give way
just because of me
even if i want you to
because the oceans are fierce
rioting waves and flat calms
unceasing change
oceans of words
ebbing and flowing
look out before you jump in
ebb and flow with the tide
of emotions in my soul
many words are not enough
and a single word too much
to articulate my meaning
i want to say more
i'm afraid to say more
waves of words bowl me over
and you are the cliff
against which my oceans crash
but i don't want to overwhelm you
please don't crumble or give way
just because of me
even if i want you to
because the oceans are fierce
rioting waves and flat calms
unceasing change
oceans of words
ebbing and flowing
look out before you jump in
24.8.11
SQUEEEEEE!!
... as you can see, i am all full of fangirl squeals and geeking-out grins.
because *I* got to take some photos of the *EUREKA* series finale which they are filming in my town today - and not only photos OF, but photos WITH.
oh happy day :)
because *I* got to take some photos of the *EUREKA* series finale which they are filming in my town today - and not only photos OF, but photos WITH.
oh happy day :)
9.8.11
ten cent lies
when all is said and done
which is more important,
what is said?
or what is done?
all the words in the world
can't cover up an action
and words are so cheap
what price can you put on a yes
or a no?
a lie is easy
and practically worthless
ten cents each on a street corner
even honesty can be a lie
when it is belied
by action
and when you say what you mean
is that really who you are?
or is it what you do
that tells the world
what kind of person you are inside?
ten cents for a lie -
how much do you want for the truth?
which is more important,
what is said?
or what is done?
all the words in the world
can't cover up an action
and words are so cheap
what price can you put on a yes
or a no?
a lie is easy
and practically worthless
ten cents each on a street corner
even honesty can be a lie
when it is belied
by action
and when you say what you mean
is that really who you are?
or is it what you do
that tells the world
what kind of person you are inside?
ten cents for a lie -
how much do you want for the truth?
27.7.11
oh yes. i can cook.
garlic pastefresh basil paste
olive oil
dried oregano
dried basil
dried dill
saltpepper
lemon juice
tilapia.
frozen veggie mix.
yellow bell pepper
mushrooms
avocadospring mix.
orange juice concentratebutter
cinnamonnutmeg
frozen blueberries
ice cream
hand-whipped cream.
these are the results.
i tasted the fruits of my labour - and they were good.
27.6.11
i lied.
... i mean, i didn't REALLY lie, just changed my statement.
um.
what i mean is, i switched one of my courses - now i only have to go back and forth to abbotsford once a week:
Mon - Web Publishing - 8.30-11.20 - Abbotsford
Tues - System Hardware Concepts - 10.45-2.25 - Abbotsford
Wed - Principles of Computing - 10.00-12.50 - Chilliwack; Intro to Programming - 2.30-6.10 - Chilliwack
same courses, different schedule - and my mom says i can sleep over on monday nights at their house.
yay!
i was very lucky, actually - there was one seat left in the tuesday class. i SO ninja'd my way in there. hah.
okay. back to bed for me. night all!
um.
what i mean is, i switched one of my courses - now i only have to go back and forth to abbotsford once a week:
Mon - Web Publishing - 8.30-11.20 - Abbotsford
Tues - System Hardware Concepts - 10.45-2.25 - Abbotsford
Wed - Principles of Computing - 10.00-12.50 - Chilliwack; Intro to Programming - 2.30-6.10 - Chilliwack
same courses, different schedule - and my mom says i can sleep over on monday nights at their house.
yay!
i was very lucky, actually - there was one seat left in the tuesday class. i SO ninja'd my way in there. hah.
okay. back to bed for me. night all!
25.6.11
exciting times.
so. i have registered for classes.
oi.
i'm half really excited and half freaking out. kind of like when i got my tattoo, but less painful and more expensive.
my schedule is gonna look like so:
Mon - Web Publishing - 8.30-11.20 - Abbotsford
Wed - Principles of Computing - 10.00-12.50 - Chilliwack; Intro to Programming - 2.30-6.10 - Chilliwack
Thurs - System Hardware Concepts - 1.00-4.40 - Abbotsford
now i have to buy my textbooks, and make sure my student loans will go through, and apply for scholarships and bursaries, and stuff.
oh boy.
oi.
i'm half really excited and half freaking out. kind of like when i got my tattoo, but less painful and more expensive.
my schedule is gonna look like so:
Mon - Web Publishing - 8.30-11.20 - Abbotsford
Wed - Principles of Computing - 10.00-12.50 - Chilliwack; Intro to Programming - 2.30-6.10 - Chilliwack
Thurs - System Hardware Concepts - 1.00-4.40 - Abbotsford
now i have to buy my textbooks, and make sure my student loans will go through, and apply for scholarships and bursaries, and stuff.
oh boy.
22.6.11
never fear! i've returned!
so i got asked recently why i haven't blogged in a while. "had i run out of things to say?"
no, but i have a great excuse!
my lappy, my lovely christmas lappy that my dad put together for me, decided, suddenly, that life was not worth living any more, and shuffled off its mortal coil, ran down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! it became an ex-laptop! ... er. i mean ... the motherboard died.
so i purchased this:
it's a thinkpad t61p, and it's fantastic. yes, used. can't afford new. but it works great anyways.
unfortunately, ubuntu won't recognise the built-in webcam, nor does it currently recognise the ever so cool fingerprint reader - though i think there may be some software for it; i'm looking into that as we speak. if it doesn't work, well, it's really kind of non-essential, but it would be neat if it did work.
ah well. the small things we sacrifice for a slice of natty narwhal awesome.
in other news, i'm starting school for reals in september - i'm taking the CIS (computer information systems) diploma. heh. computers.
anyhow. that's all i got for now - but i'll be back! and in larger numbers! ... never mind.
no, but i have a great excuse!
my lappy, my lovely christmas lappy that my dad put together for me, decided, suddenly, that life was not worth living any more, and shuffled off its mortal coil, ran down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! it became an ex-laptop! ... er. i mean ... the motherboard died.
so i purchased this:
it's a thinkpad t61p, and it's fantastic. yes, used. can't afford new. but it works great anyways.
unfortunately, ubuntu won't recognise the built-in webcam, nor does it currently recognise the ever so cool fingerprint reader - though i think there may be some software for it; i'm looking into that as we speak. if it doesn't work, well, it's really kind of non-essential, but it would be neat if it did work.
ah well. the small things we sacrifice for a slice of natty narwhal awesome.
in other news, i'm starting school for reals in september - i'm taking the CIS (computer information systems) diploma. heh. computers.
anyhow. that's all i got for now - but i'll be back! and in larger numbers! ... never mind.
1.4.11
20.3.11
pretty pretty please....
so i'm going to do something i have never done on my blog before:
i'm going to post a youtube.
reason being, i saw this video when i was watching tv with my roomie. it's a music video by someone i've frequently heard of, but never really listened to. the first time i saw it, it made me cry. which is unusual, for me. i don't generally cry during music videos. movies, yes, absolutely. Passion of the Christ, anyone? actually bawled my eyes out during THAT one. but i'm digressing. i just love the message in this song. it's something more people need to hear. so. without further ado:
...
i cried at the end [not where i would have expected given the content of the rest of the video], at the very last chorus when you see her daughter in the bed.
anyways.
what's YOUR reaction?
what did this make you think of?
i'm going to post a youtube.
reason being, i saw this video when i was watching tv with my roomie. it's a music video by someone i've frequently heard of, but never really listened to. the first time i saw it, it made me cry. which is unusual, for me. i don't generally cry during music videos. movies, yes, absolutely. Passion of the Christ, anyone? actually bawled my eyes out during THAT one. but i'm digressing. i just love the message in this song. it's something more people need to hear. so. without further ado:
...
i cried at the end [not where i would have expected given the content of the rest of the video], at the very last chorus when you see her daughter in the bed.
anyways.
what's YOUR reaction?
what did this make you think of?
14.3.11
3/14 ...
march 14th is Pi Day! go eat piiiiiiiie.
[i'm such a geek.]
so i did the thirty day challenge - successfully, i might add, all 30 in a row with only one or two late posts. but now i don't know what to do with myself.
i have no poems floating around in my head at the moment.
i have no awesome photos to share.
and nothing super-duper interesting has happened lately.
besides the two random customers (both guys - coincidence? mmm probably not.) that have given me their phone numbers. THAT'S slightly disturbing. particularly as one of them is - well - probably as old as my dad. and i likely WON'T be calling him. he's a customer. that alone makes it weird. ah well.
the thing is, most of my day is centered around SLEEP. i spend all day sleeping, and all night working. my evening is mostly cooking.
so there's not much to tell, mostly.
i have the odd moment - like the day my coworker went to the drivethru window and informed the waiting customer that he had just finished devouring a soul, and that it tasted like lemon - but mostly my life is sleep.
speaking of which - it's approximately bedtime.
also - i must go shopping soon. maybe tomorrow. the pantry's looking bare.
[i'm such a geek.]
so i did the thirty day challenge - successfully, i might add, all 30 in a row with only one or two late posts. but now i don't know what to do with myself.
i have no poems floating around in my head at the moment.
i have no awesome photos to share.
and nothing super-duper interesting has happened lately.
besides the two random customers (both guys - coincidence? mmm probably not.) that have given me their phone numbers. THAT'S slightly disturbing. particularly as one of them is - well - probably as old as my dad. and i likely WON'T be calling him. he's a customer. that alone makes it weird. ah well.
the thing is, most of my day is centered around SLEEP. i spend all day sleeping, and all night working. my evening is mostly cooking.
so there's not much to tell, mostly.
i have the odd moment - like the day my coworker went to the drivethru window and informed the waiting customer that he had just finished devouring a soul, and that it tasted like lemon - but mostly my life is sleep.
speaking of which - it's approximately bedtime.
also - i must go shopping soon. maybe tomorrow. the pantry's looking bare.
8.3.11
haHA. i laugh in your faces.
sillies!
... let me back up and explain.
my bike got a flat in the back tire. so today i had to fix it, otherwise i can't go to work. or - well - i can, but it'll either take me an hour's walk, or it'll cost me $15. since i'm cheap and i don't want to spend an hour on my feet, i'd rather fix my bike. so i went and bought a new inner tube, fetched the necessary tools, and removed to the parking area under our building where i keep my bike, whence i proceeded to remove the back wheel. you know. basic tire-changing stuff.
so i have the wheel and tire laid out and i'm just going through the tire with my fingers to find any puncturing culprits [which in this case was a blackberry thorn - gah. those things are murder!!], and along come two or three guys - in their mid? twenties? ish? - slightly older than me, anyways - and they're all giving me weird looks. one of them asks me if i need help. i'm all, "no thanks i got this :)" so they carry on heading for their car.
but it was so funny, i could see the phrase, "she's a girl! does she know what she's doing?" going through all of their heads.
but my tire is back on, the inner tube is properly filled, the chain is around the gear correctly, and i even straightened a wobble in the rim to top it off.
take that, male-gender-types who doubt the ability of female-gender-types to do dirty work. haHA. i laugh in your Hairy Faces.
[... please note that i do NOT laugh in the faces of the male-gender-types who Cheer For the female-gender-types who Do Stuff. you male-gender-cheering-types are okay. even if your faces DO grow hair.]
end of blog for today. must sleep.
... let me back up and explain.
my bike got a flat in the back tire. so today i had to fix it, otherwise i can't go to work. or - well - i can, but it'll either take me an hour's walk, or it'll cost me $15. since i'm cheap and i don't want to spend an hour on my feet, i'd rather fix my bike. so i went and bought a new inner tube, fetched the necessary tools, and removed to the parking area under our building where i keep my bike, whence i proceeded to remove the back wheel. you know. basic tire-changing stuff.
so i have the wheel and tire laid out and i'm just going through the tire with my fingers to find any puncturing culprits [which in this case was a blackberry thorn - gah. those things are murder!!], and along come two or three guys - in their mid? twenties? ish? - slightly older than me, anyways - and they're all giving me weird looks. one of them asks me if i need help. i'm all, "no thanks i got this :)" so they carry on heading for their car.
but it was so funny, i could see the phrase, "she's a girl! does she know what she's doing?" going through all of their heads.
but my tire is back on, the inner tube is properly filled, the chain is around the gear correctly, and i even straightened a wobble in the rim to top it off.
take that, male-gender-types who doubt the ability of female-gender-types to do dirty work. haHA. i laugh in your Hairy Faces.
[... please note that i do NOT laugh in the faces of the male-gender-types who Cheer For the female-gender-types who Do Stuff. you male-gender-cheering-types are okay. even if your faces DO grow hair.]
end of blog for today. must sleep.
6.3.11
some girly eyecandy
so i was watching tv yesterday...
and sort of accidentally caught the last half of a couple shows. one of which was hairspray, but that's not the eyecandy i'm talking about.
what i AM talking about was a movie called Life as a House, and a Doctor Who episode called Midnight.
hayden christensen. in Life as a House. with piercings. and black hair. oh my. so pretty. and then he took the piercings out in the movie. i was all, nooooo! put them back!! TT_TT but movie people like to pretend that people take out piercings when they get all happy and stuff. oh well. silly movie people.
and then...
colin morgan. in Midnight. with black nail polish. and skinny jeans. and leather cuffs. and a skull chain on his pants. mmmm. so beautiful. but then again, colin morgan is just beautiful in general. i mean, anyone seen him as Merlin? ogosh. and then there's the british accent. *sigh*
anyways. that's all i wanted to tell you. toodles. i'm off to drool some more.
and sort of accidentally caught the last half of a couple shows. one of which was hairspray, but that's not the eyecandy i'm talking about.
what i AM talking about was a movie called Life as a House, and a Doctor Who episode called Midnight.
and then...
colin morgan. in Midnight. with black nail polish. and skinny jeans. and leather cuffs. and a skull chain on his pants. mmmm. so beautiful. but then again, colin morgan is just beautiful in general. i mean, anyone seen him as Merlin? ogosh. and then there's the british accent. *sigh*
anyways. that's all i wanted to tell you. toodles. i'm off to drool some more.
26.2.11
day 30 - movies you can watch again and again
- Serenity
- Amelie (Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain)
- Pride & Prejudice
- Princess Bride
- X-Men (any of them)
- Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
- Iron Monkey
- Pirates of the Caribbean (any of them)
- Lord of the Rings (any of them, as long as they're the Extended Edition)
- Tarzan (Disney version)
- Atlantis
- Prince of Egypt
- Lion King
- Star Trek (the new one)
- I'm Not There
- Beauty and the Beast
- 10 Things I Hate About You
- Harry Potter (any of them, with the possible exception of Half-Blood Prince - that one sucked bad in some spots.)
- Sense & Sensibility
- Shrek
25.2.11
day 29 - favorite tv shows and why you like them
ooookay. this one's EASY.
1. Castle.
reasons i like it: a) nathan fillion. b) cop show. c) awesome characters and great tension between castle and beckett. love it. but i'm still anxiously waiting for castle to ask beckett out.
2. Eureka.
reasons i like it: a) sci-fi. b) general oddballness. c) awesome characters and some tension in this one too, between carter and allison. love this one as well.
3. Firefly.
does this one even need me to list the reasons i love it? really? any browncoat should know why firefly is lovable. so i'm not even going to go into it.
4. NCIS.
reasons i like it: a) abby sciuto. b) cop show. c) awesome characters. and really, tony, you're perfectly happy to hook mcgee up with some girl, but yet you haven't asked ziva out once. doesn't make sense.
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