In which I use Physics, and possess Insanity.

I am slightly insane.

I like being insane, so it's okay, but let me tell you all about my insanity.

I mentioned at the beginning of the month that I was thinking about making a hammock for sleepage. Well, I did it.
It went through a couple iterations, but I did end up sleeping in it last night.

I had to create a stand, because I didn't want to put holes in my walls (yay renting!), and I wanted a simple stand that didn't take too much work and could be dismantled without too much effort. I decided that the stand variously known as the TurtleDog or Tripod stand was the most practical. The second iteration regressed to the vanilla Turtlelady stand, because the Olddog variation collapsed on top of me (ow...).

Let me explain that last paragraph...
A contributor on hammockforums.net, known as Turtlelady, came up with a dual-tripod+suspended-crossbar stand made of bamboo.
The physics of this is that a tripod is very sturdy, and if one were to suspend something from the centre joint of a tripod, between the legs, this is a very stable place to hang. If you had one tripod and a bat-hammock (all corners hang from a single point, and yes, this is a thing), you'd be good to go.
However, an ordinary hammock (especially a loaded one) pulls inwards towards itself from either end, so even if you were to hang both ends of the hammock from two tripods, they would collapse because it's not a direct downward pull.
Hence the suspended crossbar.
Hang each end of the crossbar from the centre joints of the two tripods, and each end of the hammock from the ends of the crossbar. The crossbar takes the horizontal inward force from the loaded hammock, and the tripods take the vertical force. At that point it becomes very sturdy indeed.
Turtlelady's stand was based on the three poles in each tripod being lashed together with rope, and another rope farther down the legs to keep them from splaying out and collapsing downwards.
Another contributor known as Olddog made a variation on the Turtlelady stand, where the inside two legs of each tripod are screwed onto one half of a gate hinge, and the outside leg is on the other half of the hinge. Hence why it got called the TurtleDog stand - a little bit from each contributor. The Olddog version is little more industrial-looking, and (I thought) a little more sturdy.

It seems I didn't get strong enough hinges, is the short version; I set it up for the first time last night, and everything went well for several hours, until the legs twisted around and bent the hinges and the whole lot came down, at about 9.15pm last night. I'm just glad nothing broke.

Of course I had already adjusted my bedroom to make room for this thing, including standing my mattress/boxspring up against the wall, and I, being the stubborn, do-it-all-by-my-own-fucking-self, pigheaded chick that I am, was determined that I would not put my bed back down for love nor money. No, the hammock and stand would do what I wanted, even if I was up til 11.00 to do it.

Happily, I had picked up a package of 100m or so of poly cord from Canadian Tire just in case (in case of what? I wasn't sure, but now I know!), so I dismantled the tripods and hinges and used the cord to lash the hell out of those poles. I also took the screws from the hinges and screwed down another piece of poly cord to keep the legs from splaying out too far.
I even tried to put my small knowledge of physics to use, and set up the two tripods to twist in opposite directions (because when you use lashing, the legs have to twist past each other in order to open up) so that both tripods won't overtwist in one direction and collapse, which is partially what happened with the hinges - I looked at them after they came down, and they'd both twisted the same way. It works in my head, I'm not sure if it's real physics or just Lizzi-brain-physics, but I'll go with it. Any real physicists want to chime in on this? For science!?

Anyways, after that, I got it set up with no more issues, all was well, and I slept in the damn thing, and I was even in bed a little early.

The only thing I didn't like was that it was a little colder than usual, so I didn't sleep as well as I could have, but I have an idea to fix that too. I'll see how it goes tonight.

So that's it. Toodles all.

On Grocery Finds, Further Tin-Foiling, Cardio and Toes, Solitary Confinement, Wheels, and a TV Show That Shall Remain Nameless (At Least Until You Read This Post).

So I went grocery shopping yesterday - and found some very very cheap beef. Beef heart, to be precise. I cooked some up for my lunch this morning. It's very dense and filling. I like, I very much like. I'll have to get more when this runs out. Especially given how cheap it is. Bonus: it's organ meat. Apparently that's supposed to be good for you, or something. So that was a good find.

As per my last post, I'm still having bad feelings about internet privacy and/or safety, especially since Groklaw closed this morning. According to a blog post on the site, they closed because Lavabit closed, and they closed because, they say, email is not safe any more. I don't want to be watched by anyone, but I don't know what to do about it. I could, in theory, drop off the grid - it's just incredibly hard to do that when computers are my job. It might be easier if I was, say, a park ranger or something, you know?
Ah well. For now, I'll stick around, and wait to see how bad it gets.

I went out and bought a new pair of Vibrams last week: pink and grey ones. Partially for the Radiant Run on Saturday, and partially because I really like Vibram shoes and I wanted another pair. I actually went running in them last night, and managed a 5.something km loop, in 45 minutes. I have been known to complain about cardio and how much I dislike it. Well, I still dislike it, but I did get to a point after about the 3rd or 4th km where I just didn't care whether I kept running or not. Weirdest feeling ever. Course now my calves hurt. Yep.
Probably going to go running again Wednesday, and maybe a very short one Thursday, but Friday is definitely resting day and then Saturday night is the run. See? I have a plan ... I think.

Also, Vibrams make a very predictable, though amusing, conversation piece. Anyone who hasn't seen them before will inevitably ask what the hell they are and whether or not they're comfortable and doesn't it feel weird to have things between your toes all the time?; those who have seen them before but don't own a pair themselves will ask similar questions and then throw in things like, how is it running with them, and don't you feel rocks when you walk, and what about glass?; and then the people who also own them will happily tell you how much they like theirs and how comfortable they are for anything and everything, like it's a shared secret, or something. It's funny.

I'm all alone at work today, same as yesterday - my boss is on holiday for two weeks, and my other co-worker comes back to work tomorrow. It's been really quiet, fortunately, although yesterday I had some software that would not behave itself, no matter what I did to it. So then tomorrow I'm not alone, Thursday I'm not alone, and then Friday I'm alone again, because my boss at the secondary site takes every other Friday off - as I think I've explained before. At any rate, this is the week of Lizzi Runs The Show. It's terrifying, right up until the part where it actually happens, at which point most of the day is spent sitting in a chair at a desk, browsing reddit and occasionally answering the phone.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is cars. I've been contemplating how much more convenient (particularly for groceries) a car is than a bicycle. The one thing that's stopping me is how much of a money dump such a thing would be, although I've seen a good handful of reasonable cars for less than $800 on craigslist. But money (or lack thereof) means, I guess, that I'll have to wait. In the meantime I'm browsing craigslist anyhow.
Speaking of wheels, though: my ugly little black mountain bike finally gave up the ghost. It had so many problems that I couldn't handle the thought of putting more money into it. So I walked down to the thrift store and picked up a nice old 10-speed street bike. Narrow tires, ram's-horn handlebar; I'm a happy happy duck. I didn't even have to think; I walked into the store, looked over the rack, and I knew that that was the one. Nice and easy. I pulled the kickstand and the new brake pads from the old bike and put them on the new one, and she works like a charm. The thing that makes me the happiest is that the gears and chain don't squeak as vilely as the old one did.

Still watching Supernatural like a fiend - most recently finished 6.12, the episode after Sam gets his soul back. A friend of mine made the comment that he didn't like season 6 and up, because in 6 the writers "jump the shark" - and now that I'm watching it, I have to admit, they do rather jump it. 1-5 was a good arc, and they could have ended it there without too much trouble. 6, so far, has been the writers reaching for story. Sam and Dean between them were total facepalm-worthy idiots at least until 6.06, possibly right up to 6.09/6.10. 6.11 was possibly the smartest Dean's been since season 5, and was definitely the dumbest Sam's been, ever. Really, going after Bobby? Dumbass. Even without a soul, there's no excuse for that crap.

Anyways, two hours left in the day, and I think I want to go organise some cables. We have a metaphorical rat's nest happening over on one table, and it's bothering me.

So, toodles, all.



Post Script: I didn't realise how long this post was going to be, or how multi-topic'ed. My bad, and good job if you got all the way through it! Guess I'm a little ADD when I'm writing ... ?

I'm the Hero of ... Canton? Also, of Windows 7 and Paranoia. Tin-Foil Hats for ALL!

I guess it's been a good two weeks since last I posted. Stuff has happened.

For example, I'm about halfway or a little more through season 5 of Supernatural - yep, still obsessed. Shouldn't be long til I'm starting season 6.

Went with my dad to see Serenity (that's right, the Firefly movie) on the big screen, because the movie theatre does play older cult movies sometimes. They even did Wrath of Khan once. Good times. I went full nerd in my Jayne hat and Blue Sun t-shirt, because why not, and there were others in the theatre also nerded out; one guy even came up and sang the Hero of Canton song at me.
"He robbed from the rich, and he gave to the poor / stood up to the man and he gave him what-for / our love for him now ain't hard to explain / the hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!"
Someone else told me I looked like an idiot in my hat - but the way he said it, I think he was misquoting the line by Wash: "Man walks down the street in a hat like that, people know he's not afraid of anything!"
Oh nerd people, Y U SO AWKWARD.

Still absolutely happy with my new ear piercings; no regrets here. I might even get another set done at some point - or something else, maybe. Mmmm piercings. I have contemplated doing my septum (nose between nostrils, fyi) but that's a risky one, doesn't always look good on everyone.

At work the IT department as a whole is slowly rolling out Windows 7 (because everyone's still on XP, and Micro$oft is no longer supporting that as of April). It's due to go out to general users in September, but I'm the only person at either of the sites I work at who's even testing it out, because most users here (not including me) use some very elderly proprietary software that's not certified for Win 7 yet, and also because of the Active Directory structure involved. Oy vey. I can definitely see them pushing back the rollout when September finally arrives, due to unpreparedness. It's so going to happen.
The one thing I personally really find frustrating about the situation is that my admin account is still attached to XP, so sometimes I have admin privileges, and sometimes I don't - and there's no rhyme or reason for the back and forth on that one. Yay Active Directory.

On a much more serious note:
I was browsing reddit happily one day not so very long ago when I saw the first few articles about PRISM and the NSA and Edward Snowden, and since then I've been watching for further information, growing gradually more worried about the whole thing as it progresses.
The problem is, while America as a whole likes to hold tightly to the Fourth Amendment, saying that online communications ought to come under the category of things that should not be searched without probable cause, and that's great for them, if that works - and here's the but - there's no such thing in place for Canadians or anyone else who might happen to be elsewhere in the world. In fact, most of our data ends up in datacentres in the States, and the NSA is supposedly specifically looking at non-American communications for terrorists. This should really scare us all. I might even get labelled "terrorist" just for saying that, depending what their criteria are; who knows?
At this point, of course, I have a fuck-tonne of personal information all over the bloody internet, and it'd be really hard (not to mention highly impractical in today's world) to cut myself out of here, especially since I can't clean myself out of their records (not to sound really paranoid or anything, of course) - so I'm probably not going to bother. But still, I do get a little nervous about the entire business.
Anyone else getting worried?

Unrelated: I might start knitting tin-foil hats, if anyone's interested.
Heh.

I swear I'm sane, sometimes...

Toodles all!

Blogging on purpose...

Sometimes I feel like I talk too much or too loudly, and sometimes I feel like I can’t open my mouth.

Today is one of the days where my mouth won’t open, and I have to work doubly hard to even make my fingers move on the keyboard. I feel like I have nothing to say that could possibly be worthwhile, and why would anyone listen to me anyways?

So today I’m blogging on purpose. Maybe it’ll help. It’s better than not saying anything at all, by far. Because there are a lot of days where I don’t say anything. I sit in my house and I don’t interact with people. Which, admittedly, I find quite pleasant on occasion; I even talk to myself, because, of course, one ought always to speak to the person present with the most intelligence, and usually, that happens to be me.

But not interacting can be isolating. I frequently have to explain to people (extroverts, mostly) that there is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. I like being alone; I like being left alone. It’s a pleasant break to not have to deal with people sometimes. But sometimes I get lonely. There’s a difference. I don’t know how best to describe that difference, I just know it’s there. And when I’m legitimately lonely, my head noise breaks in and makes me want to talk to people even less, while I’m still craving human interaction.

Goddamnit, head noise. Leave me alone.

Toodles, all.

shards on the tile, shards of my mind

is the glass half empty, or is it half full? because i find my glass has shattered on the tile, and i can see myself reflected in every tiny piece. here lies my eye, here my lip. here an ear and there an arm. no piece reflecting all, but each taking some small portion and throwing it back disconnected from the whole. do i mend it? or do i discard it? is it even worth thinking about, or should i just walk away and leave the shards lying where they fell, reflecting pieces of what they see? if i step forward or if i step back, my blood smears the tiles as the broken glass mercilessly jabs my feet; but if i stand unmoving, my reflection mocks me without remorse, all the tiny pieces jumbled together into a crude representation, not truly myself.

outside i see the trees. all the leaves are gone, vanished into some cruel fancy of the wind, or clustered on the ground in pathetic heaps. the sky hints of snow. the air is icy, and i shiver at the thought of going out.

if i had my way, i would isolate myself from everything and everyone, to go hide in some dark secluded hole, where no-one can find me. i would have no reminders of things left undone, of words left unsaid, of changes left unmade. i would see no shadows of things i could have done, should have done, ought to have done differently. and for once the snide and ruthless audience that resides in my head, and lives to tell me what i did wrong, will have silence instead of critiques. oh, to hear a void in my mind, rather than the opera-house full of mockery and ridicule, that would be glorious indeed.

my eyes sting with half-conceived tears, and a dull ache has settled in my heart. my emotions have tied themselves in a knot in the middle of my chest and will not come undone, no matter how or which way i tug, and the end will not show itself.

so is the glass half empty? or is it half full? or perhaps it is shattered.

what i have learned.

you failed
the cry rang out across the hills
the world screamed out the words
you failed
and still my heart pounds louder than a drum
my ears have strained to hear
you failed
reverberates again
another shout, just those two words
you failed
no promise of later gain
no oath or pledge that i will pass the test
you failed

and a small quiet whisper in the back of my mind
insists to me
you failed, well done
you gave it your all
i asked no more,
you heeded the call
you failed
and i'm proud

now do it again.

i am Elizabeth.

this is not right
i'm not you -
nor are you me.
so why are you taking
my identity?

you're putting my name
to your face
and mirroring me,
commandeering my space
copying, aping,
stealing, invading

my life is not yours
so what do you see
that's missing in your life
that you'd take from me?

i am Elizabeth
that's not your name
i know who you are
and we're not the same.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2011

house, job, money....

so. many changes for the new year.

first. one you should know about already if you read my blog. new apartment, new roomie with two cats, own kitchen. OWHN KITCHING. [side note: i've decided that the first thing i'm going to do, when we're all moved in and my pantry is all PROPERLY STOCKED, is i'm going to make bread. homemade bread. none of this machine business for me. mmmmm...] and actually, speaking of new place, i'm going to need to buy a bed.

second. again, you should know about this one. i'm on graveyards. which is completely oddball. and i come home from work at about the hour that i used to START. so weird.

third. there comes a time in every girl's life when she makes a very important step. and that is getting a credit card. no, i will NOT go spending crazy. it's just for building credit with. because if i make purchases on it and then pay it off IMMEDIATELY, it's all good. no interest. and i plan to always make sure i have the money in my regular bank account before i use the credit card. i'm thinking ahead here. also, set up a savings account today that automatically takes a certain amount of money out of my account on payday and saves it. so that's cool.

aaaanyways. life with me. again.

nothing.

what is this?
it's a noose for your own neck.
what is it made of?
it is woven from choices you've made.
why?
because mistakes are never forgotten.
what did i do to deserve this?
nothing.

what is this?
it's a deadly poison, tailored just for you.
what is it made of?
the bitterness and anger of others towards you.
why?
because mistakes are never forgotten.
what did i do to deserve this?
nothing.

what is this?
it's your death.
what is it made of?
fear, anger, and hopelessness.
why?
because your pain is never forgotten.
what did i do to deserve this?
nothing.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2010

oh, i'm the type of girl that likes to roam around ... ?

so way back a couple of weeks ago i had an interview/tryout at a little inn as housekeeping staff. basically the head housekeeper took me around a room and showed me how they clean it, then had me do a room by myself. so i found out the other day that i get paid for that, cos i was kind of technically working for them. so i got my check this afternoon. only 12.75, but heck, any money's good right now. in the bank it went, and then i was going to use it to go pick up some stuff that i needed. so i'm waiting to cross a street, and this guy with wonky teeth comes up to me.

guy: are you going this way?
me: yes i am.
guy: i'm going to tim horton's. [waves a fistful of coinage at me] where are you going?
me: i don't really know where i'm going. [meaning, "i haven't made up my mind where i'm going to pick up the stuff i need."]
guy: you mean like you're a wanderer?
me: [chuckling to myself] i guess you could say that.
guy: it's funny how people don't know where they're going. wanderer is my word for people who don't know where they're going.
me: it's a good word. [cycles off as the light changes]

it seems to be my luck, to have oddball conversations with guys with odd teeth. see "apparently i'm ... impressive." "and .... viciously gorgeous." for previous examples. now not only am i impressive, i'm a wanderer. an impressive wanderer? um... okay. [insert expressive shrug here]

here i am.

so here i am,
i'm completely lost
and totally confused.
you're shadow-boxing
and fighting with ghosts
and it does no good
it solves nothing.

i want to comfort you
i want to help you
but i don't know how.
all i know is
i don't see the real you yet.
i see the layers
that you cover yourself with.

i can't fix you
for you.
that's not my job.

all i can do
is stand here
waiting for you
to be ready to be real.
so here i am.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2010

humpty dumpty sat on the wall

i feel like an ant, trying to carry the world on my back, but it's getting all tangled up and i keep tripping over it, and all the eggs that i'm not allowed to count just keep cracking into pieces like glass bottles, and there's no use crying over spilt milk when the bottles break, cos you can't put it back in, it's like humpty dumpty, all the men in the king's service couldn't fix him, well, you can't fix me either, cos i'm shattered to bits and i'm lost in a tunnel that i can't see the light at the end of.
it's dark, dark, dark, and i can hear a train coming, i can feel the vibration in the tracks, and there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, i can't get away, it's coming, and i'll be smashed into pieces, squished like an ant on the sidewalk, poor little ant, it's just trying to do what it knows best and then it gets squished by some careless person's foot, stomping around like an enormous elephant.
and here i am, all in pieces just like that, and i'm still trying to carry the world, but it keeps slipping and falling and rolling down the hill, and i have to run all the way back and pick it up and try to drag it all the way up the hill again, like pails of water, but they keep spilling, and so i have to go all the way back to the well to fill them up first, it's way too much effort for this one task, but i can't help it if they decide to run off and make things difficult for me, it's the dish and the spoon all over again, and what do i do?
i'm trying to paint but it keeps going everywhere but on the canvas, my brushes are falling apart, my paint's drying up, my canvas is torn, everything's old and useless here, and i have no reason to keep trying, cos i know humpty's just going to break again, and the ant's just going to get squished again, and i keep tripping over the tangled-up world on my back.

thought for the day:

who am i?
and has anyone seen my sanity recently? i think i mislaid it.

boxes boxes boxes boxes boxes boxes going crazy boxes boxes boxes.

further updates on the moving:

so close to done being packed, you might as well say i am packed.
at present i'm in the stage of "this room has dust in every corner you can think of and it's really embarrassing so i think i will move the furniture around and vacuum it properly."

also, this week seems to be the week for interviews. first superstore on wednesday, and then tim hortons on friday. so i'll be out there for 9.30 tomorrow morning.

and i am taking photos of my room in progress of being packed (of course i am! i take photos of EVERYTHING!) so i'll be popping those up on my flickr and making a mosaic for y'all in the next little while - it may take some time cos of i don't know what internet access will be like for me. but at some point you can all see the evolution of room from clutter to box.

in other news, my hair is driving me up the fucking wall. i'm trying (TRYing being the operative word here) to grow it out - and at present it's in that stupid and awkward stage where it's too long to look cute, but too short to stick in a ponytail, and DEFINITELY too short to look good down. if it weren't that i'm actually growing it out on purpose, i would take the clippers and shave it down again. cos this is very annoying, and i can't imagine what possessed me to cut it. ever. argh. don't you love when you do something and then you regret it after? i know *I* do.

anyways, bedtime. have to get some rest before my interview. otherwise i'll not be entirely awake, and i'll pull a Jayne - "we applied the cortical electrodes, but were unable to get a neural response!"
night, all! ♥

clinging

so lost.
so helpless and confused.
swimming through an ocean
of unfamiliar territory.

ashamed.
betrayed and cut open.
all my faults and fears
are violently exposed.

in pain.
sick with these regrets.
playing this game called life
and i'm losing it.

so i cling
to the one who knows me best
to the one who's always here
the rock that holds me safe
i cling, and i pray that you'll be there
that you'll catch me if i fall
that your arms will hold me.

i'm hurt.
uncared-for and neglected.
injured by the words they said
i was left here to bleed.

so scared.
afraid of what might come
i'm wandering alone here
among these dark shadows.

so i cling
to the one who knows me best
to the one who's always here
the rock that holds me safe
i cling, and i pray that you'll be there
that you'll catch me if i fall
that your arms will hold me.

so here i stand
i'm broken and in pain
please cover my shame
heal my pain
keep me near you,
don't ever let me go,
never let me go

and i cling
to the one who knows me best
to the one who's always here
the rock that holds me safe
i cling, and i know that you'll be there
that you'll catch me if i fall
that your arms will hold me.
oh, hold me

© Elizabeth Klassen 2010

Not a joke.

so i just got a call from a friend - my boyfriend's house just burned to the ground while he was at work. the renters who were living downstairs are in hospital for smoke inhalation, and leanne was on her way to vanc. isl. to speak at a youth conference, so she's heading back now.
but for sure jeff, leanne, her two boys, and the renters and their four small kids have all lost everything - computers, band gear, plus a total death count of two lizards, three dogs, and three cats.

so if any of you blog readers pray, PLEASE DO.

now what?

so a while back, you may remember, i was bitching about UFV's website. well i did apply for a course, eventually - the CIS program path, starting with CIS 146, intermediate web design - and i got a letter this afternoon from them, with my student ID and instructions for logging in to the website with it, and they're still processing my application.
so i logged in, and discovered i have a UFV email address now and everything. it's kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time. and i'm just like, "oh wait i did really apply didn't i and what on earth did i get myself into?!?!?!"

oh yeah and i went for a walk this morning and passed a guy with the biggest blackest black eye i ever saw. like he just got hit last night or something, srsly.

i wonder.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to die.
i wonder whether there's pain first, or whether you can't feel a thing, i wonder whether consciousness disappears, like when you fall asleep, or whether you're aware of everything that's going on, aware of all your cells slowly running down to nothing.
i wonder what it would be like when your body has stopped completely, whether you are watching from inside your head, or whether you watch from somewhere else in the room - or if you even stay in the room; maybe as soon as the last cell has stopped functioning, your soul goes straight to heaven or hell - or limbo, depending what you believe.
would you still be able to feel what's happening to your body after you've left it? would you even care? could you go back as a ghost? would you even want to?
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to die. but i don't want to yet. so it's all good.

the sky

sometimes i just want to get out of here. go see the sky, you know? i miss the sky. i haven't seen it in ages. i have no windows in here, only bars. bars. and more bars. it would be nice to see the sky again, see the stars at night, the moon, the sun - feel rain and wind on my face. one of the things i miss most is the smell of a thunderstorm in summer, after it's been hot and dry for a while, and it's just starting to rain and all the dust comes up and the sky goes real dark and you hear thunder way way away where you know it can't get you - you know how kids are scared of thunderstorms? i used to hide under my blankets and hope it wasn't going to reach down and grab me - but if it was quiet enough i knew that it couldn't reach. and the lightning. i miss how it burns itself onto your eyes if you're lucky enough to be looking at the right spot when it hits. i always hated the power-outs that happened during thunderstorms. i was afraid the candles were going to fall down and burn the house from the inside out. course, there was that time when i burnt a house down, just like i was afraid i was going to. but my lawyer said to tell everyone it was an accident. so i did. i told everyone it was an accident, just like the time they found me with the dead guy and my lawyer said to say i was set up. yeah, that guy was not a nice guy. he yelled at me. he hit me and tried to make me leave. he also tried to take away my gun. i like my gun. i don't like when people try to take it. i swear i didn't mean to. it was real fast - i couldn't do anything about it. the others yelled at me after that. they didn't like that the guy was dead. but it wasn't my fault, honest. the little girl was my fault though. i was sorry about that. they said she screamed. they said she was traumatised - what does traumatised mean? - and that's why i'm in here. because of her. in this place with no windows, where i can't smell the fresh air any more. i miss the sky.

fever.

falling through the empty sky i hit the ground and smash like a pottery jug like a plate like glass shards on the floor theyre all sharp and jagged i step on them and bleed like the edge of a knife the edge of a sword slicing flesh to shreds and tatters like the clothes i wear the rags i own only fit for burning burning up and freezing cold the fever the madness and the dreams like a blind man finally seeing only my eyes work just fine thanks and it is a lovely day outside isnt it just right as rain freezing rain and burning and i stand but still im falling through a hole in the earth hit the atmosphere on the other side and keep on past the moon lovely moon got craters in it like the ones in my mind hey what do you know maybe theyre a match for each other got a match i need a smoke and you know what they say where theres smoke theres fire and im burning burning and freezing its this damned fever it just wont go away no matter how they medicate my depression which oddly enough means a hole remember how i said i had craters in my head yeah its depression it was a stupid joke just like the april fools they pulled on me when they said i was fine well you know what they say fine stands for fucked up insecure neurotic and emotional which is pretty damned what was i saying oh screw it anyway im on my way out of here like a rocket ship to see the universe with tail blazing burning and freezing i hear its freezing in space freezing like this fever like an icecube in a fire burning and freezing and im melting like that icecube melting into a puddle and evaporating into the clouds way way up there its kind of neat seeing the world from here and its so cold freezing cold and im part of the cloud part of a dark dark thunderstorm and its started raining and im a raindrop a tiny little raindrop and im falling falling through the empty sky i hit the ground and smash...