cranky day.

today is cranky day.
today, i rebel and i refuse.
today, i don't want to do things the way i know i ought to.

fuck doing something new. fuck taking action. i have a friend who insists that action is greater than inaction. but i'll tell you right now that taking action SUCKS. inaction is easier. inaction means you don't get hurt as quickly.
taking action, well - it hurts sometimes. and you feel like an ass sometimes. and then you wanna sit in a corner with your stash of guilty-pleasure snacks and/or a nice bottle of something and not move til everyone around you has forgotten that you even existed in the first place, never mind forgetting what you did.
and there's no one you can apologise to, because really you're the only one that hurts and you did it to yourself anyhow, and then when you're curled up in the corner you say things to to yourself like, well, i guess i'm just a fucking idiot, why the fuck did i do that, that was so dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid, now don't ever do anything that retarded ever again, no, actually, NEVER do anything again EVER.
and then you feel like crap.
and the next time you throw inaction out the window, and oh, look! it backfired on you AGAIN! well, now you're just all kinds of idiot for not listening to yourself when you said not to do anything again ever. serves you right, dumb-butt, why the hell didn't you listen to your own advice, why the fuck would you do a thing like that when you knew what happened last time.
inaction is so much easier. inaction means you don't impale yourself on a stupid decision and end up bleeding all over the place.
doing something. bah.

maybe tomorrow i'll be back to my normal masochistic impale-myself-on-my-own-decisions self.
today, i don't wanna.

what i have learned.

you failed
the cry rang out across the hills
the world screamed out the words
you failed
and still my heart pounds louder than a drum
my ears have strained to hear
you failed
reverberates again
another shout, just those two words
you failed
no promise of later gain
no oath or pledge that i will pass the test
you failed

and a small quiet whisper in the back of my mind
insists to me
you failed, well done
you gave it your all
i asked no more,
you heeded the call
you failed
and i'm proud

now do it again.

update on burned-down house.

so i got a ride down to my boyfriend's ex-house. the place is wrecked. the siding melted, the windows blew out - practically the only thing that wasn't completely eaten up was the garage, somehow everything inside the garage is fine.

but clothes, band gear, game systems, a sound system, books, everything else - was just gone. including my boyfriend's laptop, which had all his art on it, and all his pens and pencils and his sketchbook, plus a custom guitar he was borrowing from someone else.

and the death count was not entirely accurate: one lizard made it out.
ironically, leanne was trying to get rid of the lizards. she even offered them to me, a couple weeks back - but my mom didn't want reptiles in the house. yeah so somehow Brindy was unscathed. though his friend Stryper was not so lucky.

and now there are three sad little boxes in the backyard - one bigger one and two smaller ones, covered with a loud pink and brown afghan. RIP Trinity, Sage, Nike, Strongbow, Stryper, and two other cats whose names i don't know.

(a picture of Trinity, taken on friday.)

leanne is completely devastated right now, the boys are pretty upset too, and when i saw him yesterday, it hadn't quite hit jeff yet. so again, KEEP THEM IN YOUR PRAYERS - pretty please?

Not a joke.

so i just got a call from a friend - my boyfriend's house just burned to the ground while he was at work. the renters who were living downstairs are in hospital for smoke inhalation, and leanne was on her way to vanc. isl. to speak at a youth conference, so she's heading back now.
but for sure jeff, leanne, her two boys, and the renters and their four small kids have all lost everything - computers, band gear, plus a total death count of two lizards, three dogs, and three cats.

so if any of you blog readers pray, PLEASE DO.