Point the first: I haven't forgotten this blog. Obviously; as I'm writing in it at present. Nor have I forgotten the story I was working on. I just need to set out some ideas and get that sorted before I carry on. Although upon reflection and a desire to rewrite (made more severe by the fact that it's already been made public in all its awkwardness) it may become another Abortive Piece of Florid Prose - I have innumerable quantities of those, shed at the wayside like so many colourless papery snake-skins.
Point the second: I am utterly bewildered by the fact that there are still visits to this blog, even though I have not added new material in .... many months. Like, who wants to see my old stuff, really? My most popular posts to date are still the one about pretty actors and the one about things I smelled in one day. I really don't understand people. At least most of them are not foolish enough to actually read the (similarly multitudinous to the Prose) Florid Poetry I have been so silly as to share here. The idiotic phrases one puts together in the gut-wrenching years of 18 and 19 - well, there's no harm in them, but why, oh, why, did I have to share them on the Internet? Foolish child I was, and still am, I'll admit.
Point the third: Pursuant to that last statement, let me explain, if you care to read, why I think I'm still foolish: I seem to frequently put myself into a state of maudlin melancholy, and what's worse is that I seem to do it on purpose.
I can't think why I do it, but the how is easy. Let's just say I have a partiality for certain types of love stories. Pride and Prejudice, Gaudy Night & Busman's Honeymoon, Much Ado About Nothing, and The Taming of the Shrew, for a start.
I've lately been home sick from work, so yesterday (as is traditional when a Klassen is ill) I watched the entirety of the A&E version of P&P. I know nearly the whole of it by heart by now, and can imitate Lady Catherine as she's telling off Lizzy about Darcy quite creditably. But the moment in Pemberley as Lizzy rushes back to Georgiana, ostensibly to turn pages for her but really to distract from silly Miss Bingleys and their references to certain Wickhams - and she and Darcy have an entire conversation with their eyes. Just kills me every time.
Then today I re-read Gaudy Night. Dorothy Sayers. I love that woman. And it occurred to me, on this re-reading, that I owe a fair number of my feminist opinions to her, because really, Gaudy is full of them*. But there are two moments in that book that just kill me too. The first, and actually more murderous of the two, as far as I'm concerned, is the scene when they've been punting on the river, and Wimsey's reading Harriet's notes on the crime and catches her perusing his face. The second, of course, is the bit at the end when he proposes for the umpteenth time and she finally accepts.
Now, I'm not entirely certain, but I have a good strong suspicion that my maudlin mood upon re-reading and re-watching these gems is solidly based in the fact that none of the so-called love stories I have embarked upon in my own life has ended well.
I do have an inner Mr Bennet (probably due to watching P&P so many times), who thoroughly laughs at the whole deal, with a hearty, "Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then," though contrary to what he thinks, taken all together, I rather dislike than like the experience. But then I read these stories and I have a little hope for a time, and then I remember that I've been living vicariously through Lizzy and Harriet for the last few hours and that reality is not often like books, and my hope bursts like little bubbles and I'm left with this sort of bittersweet melancholy.
Point the fourth: I'm sort of a little bit sorry that my first post back since January is full of emotional dreck, but it was what was on my mind that caused me to write at all, so, in Internet-speak, sorry not sorry.
Point the fifth: Goddamn loneliness. It's shitty.
*Also I came across some excerpts from essays by her on the subject a little time ago. Cast your eyes across these, if you will: http://hardheads.blogspot.ca/2010_10_01_archive.html - I particularly liked the section out of The Human Not-Quite Human.
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
7.6.13
It's been a while?
And by a while, I mean two days. Two whole days without a blog from me. Oh dear, however did you survive? (says the girl who didn't blog for an entire eight-month stretch; yes, I'm laughing at myself.)
My excuse is, the last two days were legitimately busy at work. I was running around dealing with printers and monitors and PS2-type keyboards that may or may not have had a sticky key that was causing the computer to reboot constantly and it doesn't matter anyway because I just stuck a USB keyboard on the desk, plugged it in, and it magically worked. Who knows. I wiped a handful of computers, imaged a handful of computers, and would have ghosted a new colour photocopier but the firmware was newer than the one it was replacing, so I had to put settings in by hand.
I won't judge you if you only understand some of that. I won't even judge you if you don't understand any of that. I am just so nice and non-judgey.
Wednesday I got paid, at last, and I even got to keep some of it for myself. It was nice to finally buy groceries without limiting myself to $20 for a week's worth. Those who know of my paleolithic eating habits will know how bothered I was at having to eat KD and Mr Noodles simply because they're cheap. I bought a bag of breakfasty stuff to try, because why not, and laughed at it - it's ground flaxseed, nothing else, labelled PowerFlax in big red letters, and touted as being sponsors of the BC Lions. Damned Manly Breakfast, I call it, and texture-wise it's like cream of wheat and egg whites had a baby; but it's not bad. For groceries, I still eventually have to pick up some beef and bacon.
I am also tempted, for meat, to go rabbit hunting with my dad, he with his WristRocket and me with Gwenny.
Whoa. Hold up. I haven't mentioned Gwenny on my blog, have I? She got shared on Instagram and Facebook, but she happened during the eight-month Dark Night Of The Blog. The story is, I was researching stuff for fun and profit, and I happened to be researching bows. Like, the kind you shoot. And I researched, and researched, as I do, and I said to myself after the fourth hour, "I can do this."
So I did. I bought a long-enough piece of hickory to even lop off a 12" piece and glue it on the middle for a handle riser; I shaped, sanded, and tillered it, all in my living room; and I bought a couple small spools of B50 Dacron and made a white/black bowstring. All in all, took around 2-3 days. She pulls around 35lbs, which is not bad for a first bow, and I regularly take it into the backyard and kill a particular stump sitting there. I may yet back her with linen or silk cos that will keep her from exploding if she breaks, but for now I'm content.
Anyways, I might take her out and shoot rabbits one Saturday morning. For Science. Yep.
Last night was fun too, but in a less fun way than groceries. My bike's back tire has been flat for the last week and a half or so, but Poor Me has had no money to get a new inner tube, so I've just been hoofing it everywhere. So last night I hoofed it to Canadian Tire to get said new tube, and didn't think beforehand about checking the size I needed. Bought a size too big. But of course, because tires and whatnot are all measured in diameter, not circumference, one inch's size difference in the diameter means it's actually 3.1415926 inches longer around. The end result being, the inner tube was too long to fit inside the tire. So I now have to exchange it for the correct size. I was mad though; it buggered up my plans for the evening, which were, namely, to buy myself a beer and go hang out at my parents' house because bicycle.
And this morning I had an odd dream: I had black corkscrew-curly hair that I had to brush flat before it would behave itself, and the tenants upstairs were digging holes in the walls of, and otherwise dismantling, my bathroom - they said there was a fly behind the wall and they had to get it out because it was bothering them. Then I had my youngest sister over and we went for a walk and passed some people I knew, but they didn't recognise me, and I blame the sunglasses I was wearing. Anyways.
So that brings me, with a terrible and fully unrelated segue, to my final thoughts of the day: I was interested, when I was looking at my blog stats (because I don't know about you, but I am intrigued by the blog visits/views/viewer statistics), to see that my feministic rant from last week is actually among the top five viewed posts on my blog, out of every post I've ever written here. The other four are my comments on pretty boys, on things I smelled one day, on the TV shows I like (though Doctor Who ought to now be at the top of that list), and (oh, the memories) on being a fitting room attendant. I don't know why I find that fascinating, but I do. Partly because people prefer to read particular things over other things, perhaps. At any rate, I'm glad you people appreciated my rant as much as you seem to have. I know one friend said I was her hero as a result of that post, which I am really not sure I deserve, but I'm definitely rather flattered by.
That's it. Toodles!
My excuse is, the last two days were legitimately busy at work. I was running around dealing with printers and monitors and PS2-type keyboards that may or may not have had a sticky key that was causing the computer to reboot constantly and it doesn't matter anyway because I just stuck a USB keyboard on the desk, plugged it in, and it magically worked. Who knows. I wiped a handful of computers, imaged a handful of computers, and would have ghosted a new colour photocopier but the firmware was newer than the one it was replacing, so I had to put settings in by hand.
I won't judge you if you only understand some of that. I won't even judge you if you don't understand any of that. I am just so nice and non-judgey.
Wednesday I got paid, at last, and I even got to keep some of it for myself. It was nice to finally buy groceries without limiting myself to $20 for a week's worth. Those who know of my paleolithic eating habits will know how bothered I was at having to eat KD and Mr Noodles simply because they're cheap. I bought a bag of breakfasty stuff to try, because why not, and laughed at it - it's ground flaxseed, nothing else, labelled PowerFlax in big red letters, and touted as being sponsors of the BC Lions. Damned Manly Breakfast, I call it, and texture-wise it's like cream of wheat and egg whites had a baby; but it's not bad. For groceries, I still eventually have to pick up some beef and bacon.
I am also tempted, for meat, to go rabbit hunting with my dad, he with his WristRocket and me with Gwenny.
Whoa. Hold up. I haven't mentioned Gwenny on my blog, have I? She got shared on Instagram and Facebook, but she happened during the eight-month Dark Night Of The Blog. The story is, I was researching stuff for fun and profit, and I happened to be researching bows. Like, the kind you shoot. And I researched, and researched, as I do, and I said to myself after the fourth hour, "I can do this."
So I did. I bought a long-enough piece of hickory to even lop off a 12" piece and glue it on the middle for a handle riser; I shaped, sanded, and tillered it, all in my living room; and I bought a couple small spools of B50 Dacron and made a white/black bowstring. All in all, took around 2-3 days. She pulls around 35lbs, which is not bad for a first bow, and I regularly take it into the backyard and kill a particular stump sitting there. I may yet back her with linen or silk cos that will keep her from exploding if she breaks, but for now I'm content.
Anyways, I might take her out and shoot rabbits one Saturday morning. For Science. Yep.
Last night was fun too, but in a less fun way than groceries. My bike's back tire has been flat for the last week and a half or so, but Poor Me has had no money to get a new inner tube, so I've just been hoofing it everywhere. So last night I hoofed it to Canadian Tire to get said new tube, and didn't think beforehand about checking the size I needed. Bought a size too big. But of course, because tires and whatnot are all measured in diameter, not circumference, one inch's size difference in the diameter means it's actually 3.1415926 inches longer around. The end result being, the inner tube was too long to fit inside the tire. So I now have to exchange it for the correct size. I was mad though; it buggered up my plans for the evening, which were, namely, to buy myself a beer and go hang out at my parents' house because bicycle.
And this morning I had an odd dream: I had black corkscrew-curly hair that I had to brush flat before it would behave itself, and the tenants upstairs were digging holes in the walls of, and otherwise dismantling, my bathroom - they said there was a fly behind the wall and they had to get it out because it was bothering them. Then I had my youngest sister over and we went for a walk and passed some people I knew, but they didn't recognise me, and I blame the sunglasses I was wearing. Anyways.
So that brings me, with a terrible and fully unrelated segue, to my final thoughts of the day: I was interested, when I was looking at my blog stats (because I don't know about you, but I am intrigued by the blog visits/views/viewer statistics), to see that my feministic rant from last week is actually among the top five viewed posts on my blog, out of every post I've ever written here. The other four are my comments on pretty boys, on things I smelled one day, on the TV shows I like (though Doctor Who ought to now be at the top of that list), and (oh, the memories) on being a fitting room attendant. I don't know why I find that fascinating, but I do. Partly because people prefer to read particular things over other things, perhaps. At any rate, I'm glad you people appreciated my rant as much as you seem to have. I know one friend said I was her hero as a result of that post, which I am really not sure I deserve, but I'm definitely rather flattered by.
That's it. Toodles!
23.5.13
In which a lot of stuff happened.
Well. Yesterday was an interesting day.
Last night on my way home from work, my phone decided that the SD card I had had in it for several months was "damaged". When I tried to plug it into my computer, I got a "could not read Superblock" error. Tried all kinds of things, and I think I ended up borking my computer somehow - because gnome now won't load, suddenly. But before I got to that point, I figured I may as well format the SD card, because I wasn't getting that back any time soon - losing me every photo I ever took (luckily all the important ones were on Instagram...) and all the music, so I had to load that back on after, and now I have all my music back. Doesn't save my photos, but that's life...
So back to my poor computer.
Lucky me, a year and a half ago, I decided to make a bootable USB of Ubuntu 12-something, or possibly 11.10, I'm not quite sure which, but it doesn't matter really, the point being that I got my computer to boot off the flash drive - and it happily loads up the hard drive as an external drive, so I can still get to all my files, yay!
BUT, unluckily, the password for the wifi at my house is stored under my regular profile, and I can't access it from the external boot, nor can I get it out of the wifi settings on my phone, it's all hidden and stuff.
BUT, luckily again, I rooted my phone. So I googled (from my phone) on how to access the wifi password file, opened a terminal window on my phone (because I have one of those - finally it comes in handy!) and did this:
$ su
# cat /system/etc/wifi/wpa_supplicant.conf
and scrolled through to find the one I wanted. So now I have the wifi password, so I can access the internet from my poor borked laptop.
Fortunately, without the external boot, I can still log into the command line (it's just gnome that's not working), so I suspect the next thing I will have to do is figure out how to log into the wifi from the command line (shouldn't be too difficult, right?) and run a proper update (did I mention I'm still running Ubuntu 11.04?) on my computer, so it should then overwrite the borked files and still keep all my data. Hopefully.
So all that happened, and then I check facebook from my phone and find that my dear parents got in an accident while they were across the border for their 25th anniversary, and while they're fine, the car is totalled. *sadface*
And then on top of all that, UFV got my first cheque. Because I'm working a co-op, it's technically a 6-credit course, meaning I have to pay for it. I got paid for 7 or so days of work (first cheque, it's always the way of it), so I got 690-something deposited into the bank yesterday morning. All well and good. 40 went straight to my cellphone bill (because I haven't paid that in ... well ... a little while - I just haven't had the money) leaving me with 650-odd. Fine. I went to UFV after work yesterday to register and pay, and found that the cost of the co-op is 629.76. Fuck.
I wish they had some kind of deal such that the employer would take a portion out of each of my paycheques and just send it straight to UFV, thus spreading that 630 over the course of four months, rather than a lump sum directly after the end of the last semester when my money's running thin anyways. Thank God my landlords are gracious and will wait til my next cheque to take rent out, and thank God I have a wonderful friend who's buying me groceries today - but not everyone has that. It's stupid, in my opinion, that they don't have such an arrangement.
Yeah. Life has been interesting.
Also, a quick note pursuant to yesterday's warning of long and different blog posts coming:
apparently 1 & 2 Tim and Titus are very possibly (indeed, very probably) not Pauline epistles. This blew my mind, and makes my argument even stronger. See: http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/goodspeed/ch21.html.
Yes, I will be blogging about the Bible and Stuff and Things... I warned you it would be different.
So that's it for today.
Toodles.
Last night on my way home from work, my phone decided that the SD card I had had in it for several months was "damaged". When I tried to plug it into my computer, I got a "could not read Superblock" error. Tried all kinds of things, and I think I ended up borking my computer somehow - because gnome now won't load, suddenly. But before I got to that point, I figured I may as well format the SD card, because I wasn't getting that back any time soon - losing me every photo I ever took (luckily all the important ones were on Instagram...) and all the music, so I had to load that back on after, and now I have all my music back. Doesn't save my photos, but that's life...
So back to my poor computer.
Lucky me, a year and a half ago, I decided to make a bootable USB of Ubuntu 12-something, or possibly 11.10, I'm not quite sure which, but it doesn't matter really, the point being that I got my computer to boot off the flash drive - and it happily loads up the hard drive as an external drive, so I can still get to all my files, yay!
BUT, unluckily, the password for the wifi at my house is stored under my regular profile, and I can't access it from the external boot, nor can I get it out of the wifi settings on my phone, it's all hidden and stuff.
BUT, luckily again, I rooted my phone. So I googled (from my phone) on how to access the wifi password file, opened a terminal window on my phone (because I have one of those - finally it comes in handy!) and did this:
$ su
# cat /system/etc/wifi/wpa_supplicant.conf
and scrolled through to find the one I wanted. So now I have the wifi password, so I can access the internet from my poor borked laptop.
Fortunately, without the external boot, I can still log into the command line (it's just gnome that's not working), so I suspect the next thing I will have to do is figure out how to log into the wifi from the command line (shouldn't be too difficult, right?) and run a proper update (did I mention I'm still running Ubuntu 11.04?) on my computer, so it should then overwrite the borked files and still keep all my data. Hopefully.
So all that happened, and then I check facebook from my phone and find that my dear parents got in an accident while they were across the border for their 25th anniversary, and while they're fine, the car is totalled. *sadface*
And then on top of all that, UFV got my first cheque. Because I'm working a co-op, it's technically a 6-credit course, meaning I have to pay for it. I got paid for 7 or so days of work (first cheque, it's always the way of it), so I got 690-something deposited into the bank yesterday morning. All well and good. 40 went straight to my cellphone bill (because I haven't paid that in ... well ... a little while - I just haven't had the money) leaving me with 650-odd. Fine. I went to UFV after work yesterday to register and pay, and found that the cost of the co-op is 629.76. Fuck.
I wish they had some kind of deal such that the employer would take a portion out of each of my paycheques and just send it straight to UFV, thus spreading that 630 over the course of four months, rather than a lump sum directly after the end of the last semester when my money's running thin anyways. Thank God my landlords are gracious and will wait til my next cheque to take rent out, and thank God I have a wonderful friend who's buying me groceries today - but not everyone has that. It's stupid, in my opinion, that they don't have such an arrangement.
Yeah. Life has been interesting.
Also, a quick note pursuant to yesterday's warning of long and different blog posts coming:
apparently 1 & 2 Tim and Titus are very possibly (indeed, very probably) not Pauline epistles. This blew my mind, and makes my argument even stronger. See: http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/goodspeed/ch21.html.
Yes, I will be blogging about the Bible and Stuff and Things... I warned you it would be different.
So that's it for today.
Toodles.
16.5.13
Batman, crying, metal show.
Last night I was forced by my friend to watch the worst and cheesiest Batman movie in existence. It featured George Clooney as Batman, and while he did his best with the role, he should never have been cast in it. It also had the Governator as the bad guy - and overwhelming numbers of terrible puns in an Austrian accent about freezing and cold. And the Batsuits had nipples. I facepalmed so hard.
After my friend left, I decided to try the "No Cry Challenge"; it's a playlist on youtube and the challenge is to watch through the playlist - without crying, oddly enough. And I can't resist a challenge. I made it through the first seven videos (admittedly, two of those had been removed from youtube; thanks copyright stick-up-the-ass people - so it was really the first five) - but the eighth, the ten-minute compilation of soldiers coming home, finally broke me and I bawled like a baby.
It was oddly refreshing, though. I don't cry often - there's not much in my life to actually cry over. I get teary if I get stressed, but I don't really full-on weep, ever. Mostly because I don't have much reason to. But it was somewhat nice to let go and cry for once, sort of run my emotions through the laundry or something.
Call me crazy, I won't argue with you on that point. But if anybody wants to take the challenge and see if they can get farther than I did, go to this link. I dare you.
Anyways, that's all I got. It's been a slow couple of days. Tomorrow night, though, I'm going to a metal show. It'll be fantastic and I'm super excited. One of the bands that I was actually going specifically to see dropped out though, their drummer apparently quit the band. So that's slightly disappointing. But the other band that I'm going for is still on, so that's alright.
So, yeah. Toodles.
After my friend left, I decided to try the "No Cry Challenge"; it's a playlist on youtube and the challenge is to watch through the playlist - without crying, oddly enough. And I can't resist a challenge. I made it through the first seven videos (admittedly, two of those had been removed from youtube; thanks copyright stick-up-the-ass people - so it was really the first five) - but the eighth, the ten-minute compilation of soldiers coming home, finally broke me and I bawled like a baby.
It was oddly refreshing, though. I don't cry often - there's not much in my life to actually cry over. I get teary if I get stressed, but I don't really full-on weep, ever. Mostly because I don't have much reason to. But it was somewhat nice to let go and cry for once, sort of run my emotions through the laundry or something.
Call me crazy, I won't argue with you on that point. But if anybody wants to take the challenge and see if they can get farther than I did, go to this link. I dare you.
Anyways, that's all I got. It's been a slow couple of days. Tomorrow night, though, I'm going to a metal show. It'll be fantastic and I'm super excited. One of the bands that I was actually going specifically to see dropped out though, their drummer apparently quit the band. So that's slightly disappointing. But the other band that I'm going for is still on, so that's alright.
So, yeah. Toodles.
21.11.11
what i have learned.
you failed
the cry rang out across the hills
the world screamed out the words
you failed
and still my heart pounds louder than a drum
my ears have strained to hear
you failed
reverberates again
another shout, just those two words
you failed
no promise of later gain
no oath or pledge that i will pass the test
you failed
and a small quiet whisper in the back of my mind
insists to me
you failed, well done
you gave it your all
i asked no more,
you heeded the call
you failed
and i'm proud
now do it again.
the cry rang out across the hills
the world screamed out the words
you failed
and still my heart pounds louder than a drum
my ears have strained to hear
you failed
reverberates again
another shout, just those two words
you failed
no promise of later gain
no oath or pledge that i will pass the test
you failed
and a small quiet whisper in the back of my mind
insists to me
you failed, well done
you gave it your all
i asked no more,
you heeded the call
you failed
and i'm proud
now do it again.
19.1.11
darn.
my white shoelaces
are coming untied
the sock i knit
is unravelling
all the holes in the world
are descending upon my creations
i defined myself
with words that have become blank spaces
in the dictionary
every turn of the earth
carries with it one more mess
one more tangle
to sort out
a knot in a thread
i stitched a patch on my heart
and watched it fray
this bandaid will not hold
does not stick any more
i carried you too long
to let you keep firing
your silver-plated bullets into me
prove to me
that the holes i see in your socks
will not keep wearing through
because i refuse to darn them
nor will i patch
the holes in the knees of your jeans
and the elbows of your sweaters
this is why
when i make things
i try to make them last
so that i don't have to mend them after
because the mending
takes longer
and hurts more
© Elizabeth Klassen 2011
are coming untied
the sock i knit
is unravelling
all the holes in the world
are descending upon my creations
i defined myself
with words that have become blank spaces
in the dictionary
every turn of the earth
carries with it one more mess
one more tangle
to sort out
a knot in a thread
i stitched a patch on my heart
and watched it fray
this bandaid will not hold
does not stick any more
i carried you too long
to let you keep firing
your silver-plated bullets into me
prove to me
that the holes i see in your socks
will not keep wearing through
because i refuse to darn them
nor will i patch
the holes in the knees of your jeans
and the elbows of your sweaters
this is why
when i make things
i try to make them last
so that i don't have to mend them after
because the mending
takes longer
and hurts more
© Elizabeth Klassen 2011
7.1.11
thousand tears
it'll be one long night before the day is over;
one sad sad song, and a lonely road.
forever was too good for you, and so we'll say goodbye;
i've cried a thousand tears for you, no more.
these untread paths have followed me, unsung songs, your memory
i leave it all behind now, choose no regrets
take your fallen branches, light a fire and keep warm -
i'll not be your matchbook.
i'm surrounded by silence now, but one of solitude
and your fear has proven true, you're lonely once again,
holding heroes to the light like trophies, glinting gold
i was never your prize.
the tree fell in the forest - i watched and wept,
a burning red-orange sun sank into the west.
forever was too good for you, so we said goodbye;
i cried a thousand tears for you, no more.
© Elizabeth Klassen, 2011
one sad sad song, and a lonely road.
forever was too good for you, and so we'll say goodbye;
i've cried a thousand tears for you, no more.
these untread paths have followed me, unsung songs, your memory
i leave it all behind now, choose no regrets
take your fallen branches, light a fire and keep warm -
i'll not be your matchbook.
i'm surrounded by silence now, but one of solitude
and your fear has proven true, you're lonely once again,
holding heroes to the light like trophies, glinting gold
i was never your prize.
the tree fell in the forest - i watched and wept,
a burning red-orange sun sank into the west.
forever was too good for you, so we said goodbye;
i cried a thousand tears for you, no more.
© Elizabeth Klassen, 2011
1.12.10
somehow
i promised myself i wouldn't
i did my damnedest
but somehow
somewhy
i cried anyways
it's been so so long
i lost track of the days
but somewhere
in there
i still miss you
i try my hardest not to
i do my best not to care
but sometimes
sometimes
i still think of you
and when i saw you
after so long
somehow
somewhy
i cried anyways.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2010
i did my damnedest
but somehow
somewhy
i cried anyways
it's been so so long
i lost track of the days
but somewhere
in there
i still miss you
i try my hardest not to
i do my best not to care
but sometimes
sometimes
i still think of you
and when i saw you
after so long
somehow
somewhy
i cried anyways.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2010
21.11.10
too late for lemonade.
life threw me a lemon but i don't know whether to make lemonade with it or throw it across the room and hope it goes through a window on its way out the door, so i sit here and watch it moulder on the table and i wonder what to do with it, because in all honesty the mold is making quite a pretty blue-green-and-white garden on my poor little lemon, but on the other hand i'm afraid the spores'll make me sick and then i'll catch pneumonia and die, and then where will i be? so i really ought to throw the poor lemon away, i think, but i really have grown quite atttached to it. maybe i'll freeze it in carbonite, then i'll have it forever - or maybe i can paint a portrait of it sitting there, and THEN i'll throw it out. i'll decide later. for now, i'll just watch it moulder.
21.7.10
here i am.
so here i am,
i'm completely lost
and totally confused.
you're shadow-boxing
and fighting with ghosts
and it does no good
it solves nothing.
i want to comfort you
i want to help you
but i don't know how.
all i know is
i don't see the real you yet.
i see the layers
that you cover yourself with.
i can't fix you
for you.
that's not my job.
all i can do
is stand here
waiting for you
to be ready to be real.
so here i am.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2010
i'm completely lost
and totally confused.
you're shadow-boxing
and fighting with ghosts
and it does no good
it solves nothing.
i want to comfort you
i want to help you
but i don't know how.
all i know is
i don't see the real you yet.
i see the layers
that you cover yourself with.
i can't fix you
for you.
that's not my job.
all i can do
is stand here
waiting for you
to be ready to be real.
so here i am.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2010
29.6.10
humpty dumpty sat on the wall
i feel like an ant, trying to carry the world on my back, but it's getting all tangled up and i keep tripping over it, and all the eggs that i'm not allowed to count just keep cracking into pieces like glass bottles, and there's no use crying over spilt milk when the bottles break, cos you can't put it back in, it's like humpty dumpty, all the men in the king's service couldn't fix him, well, you can't fix me either, cos i'm shattered to bits and i'm lost in a tunnel that i can't see the light at the end of.
it's dark, dark, dark, and i can hear a train coming, i can feel the vibration in the tracks, and there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, i can't get away, it's coming, and i'll be smashed into pieces, squished like an ant on the sidewalk, poor little ant, it's just trying to do what it knows best and then it gets squished by some careless person's foot, stomping around like an enormous elephant.
and here i am, all in pieces just like that, and i'm still trying to carry the world, but it keeps slipping and falling and rolling down the hill, and i have to run all the way back and pick it up and try to drag it all the way up the hill again, like pails of water, but they keep spilling, and so i have to go all the way back to the well to fill them up first, it's way too much effort for this one task, but i can't help it if they decide to run off and make things difficult for me, it's the dish and the spoon all over again, and what do i do?
i'm trying to paint but it keeps going everywhere but on the canvas, my brushes are falling apart, my paint's drying up, my canvas is torn, everything's old and useless here, and i have no reason to keep trying, cos i know humpty's just going to break again, and the ant's just going to get squished again, and i keep tripping over the tangled-up world on my back.
it's dark, dark, dark, and i can hear a train coming, i can feel the vibration in the tracks, and there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, i can't get away, it's coming, and i'll be smashed into pieces, squished like an ant on the sidewalk, poor little ant, it's just trying to do what it knows best and then it gets squished by some careless person's foot, stomping around like an enormous elephant.
and here i am, all in pieces just like that, and i'm still trying to carry the world, but it keeps slipping and falling and rolling down the hill, and i have to run all the way back and pick it up and try to drag it all the way up the hill again, like pails of water, but they keep spilling, and so i have to go all the way back to the well to fill them up first, it's way too much effort for this one task, but i can't help it if they decide to run off and make things difficult for me, it's the dish and the spoon all over again, and what do i do?
i'm trying to paint but it keeps going everywhere but on the canvas, my brushes are falling apart, my paint's drying up, my canvas is torn, everything's old and useless here, and i have no reason to keep trying, cos i know humpty's just going to break again, and the ant's just going to get squished again, and i keep tripping over the tangled-up world on my back.
3.4.10
not a crisis
you blink once, twice, and find
that life has changed again
what you once thought was safe, familiar
is a blank spot on your map.
you turned around and got surprised
it's not what you expected it to be
a mountain got up and moved overnight
what's your knowledge worth now?
let go of what you thought you knew,
take a deep breath, don't be afraid
it's a new experience, it's not a crisis
take the adventure that's here
© Elizabeth Klassen 2010
that life has changed again
what you once thought was safe, familiar
is a blank spot on your map.
you turned around and got surprised
it's not what you expected it to be
a mountain got up and moved overnight
what's your knowledge worth now?
let go of what you thought you knew,
take a deep breath, don't be afraid
it's a new experience, it's not a crisis
take the adventure that's here
© Elizabeth Klassen 2010
31.1.10
"we wish you all the best, it just didn't work out..."
so, um - as of friday, my employment with winners is terminated. they fired me.
fuck.
so i am jobless. completely and totally. and kind of depressed about it, too.
on the upside, spent friday night at leanne's, and helped with her boys' fort on the mountain on saturday, and she made me poutine - first time ever having it. it was kind of odd-tasting.
so yeah. that's my life.
fuck.
so i am jobless. completely and totally. and kind of depressed about it, too.
on the upside, spent friday night at leanne's, and helped with her boys' fort on the mountain on saturday, and she made me poutine - first time ever having it. it was kind of odd-tasting.
so yeah. that's my life.
13.12.09
i know you.
where did you go?
cos i'll follow.
i'll search, i'll find you
right to the furthest, darkest corners of your mind
where did you run to?
are you trying to hide?
don't you know my eyes
see right through your masks, through your disguise?
and when you hope that no-one sees
you're forgetting me
i know you
i know you.
where are you now?
don't you know i love you?
can't you see the tears
i cry when i see your despair, your pain, your fears?
i love you
i'll never leave you
i'm right here
i'll never leave you on your own
i know you
and when you hope that no-one sees
you're forgetting me
i know you
i know you
and i'm here.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2009
cos i'll follow.
i'll search, i'll find you
right to the furthest, darkest corners of your mind
where did you run to?
are you trying to hide?
don't you know my eyes
see right through your masks, through your disguise?
and when you hope that no-one sees
you're forgetting me
i know you
i know you.
where are you now?
don't you know i love you?
can't you see the tears
i cry when i see your despair, your pain, your fears?
i love you
i'll never leave you
i'm right here
i'll never leave you on your own
i know you
and when you hope that no-one sees
you're forgetting me
i know you
i know you
and i'm here.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2009
:'(
so ... kind of disappointed doesn't even cover my emotional state right now.
last night was a party - a Decemberween party (that's a birthday-costume party in december, for the uninitiated) - and i've been planning on going since Decemberween LAST year. found out a couple weeks ago, that my work scheduled me for a 2pm-10pm shift the same day. meaning, i would miss the party entirely. so i was all, "fuck."
so i posted on the board at work that i needed someone to take my shift. i posted like a week and a half beforehand. and no one took it. a few people said they would take it but were already working. very helpful, thanks.
so i had to miss the AWESOMEST party of the year. so i was all, "FUCK." and sadfaced. and went to work and worked cash for eight hours. and i hate cash.
and to follow up on that? another disappointment. fun.
this evening was Christmas dinner at the boyfriend's. and i was looking forward to that too. but guess what? it starts snowing this morning. beautiful fluffy make-the-roads-all-slippery snow. so i was all, "fuck."
and so dad says, "well, i probably won't be driving you out there." insert sadface here too. so then i let the boyfriend know. and he's all, "well i'll ask if i can use the four-by-four, and come and pick you up." so i cross my fingers as hard as i can.
and he calls back and says, "i can't use it, so i can't pick you up." so i was all, "FUCK!" and sadtearyfaced.
so i'm in a bit of a state right now, and really fucking disappointed. AND pissed. because i was hoping so hard for those, and to be disappointed so much twice in a row is just harsh.
life fucking sucks sometimes.
last night was a party - a Decemberween party (that's a birthday-costume party in december, for the uninitiated) - and i've been planning on going since Decemberween LAST year. found out a couple weeks ago, that my work scheduled me for a 2pm-10pm shift the same day. meaning, i would miss the party entirely. so i was all, "fuck."
so i posted on the board at work that i needed someone to take my shift. i posted like a week and a half beforehand. and no one took it. a few people said they would take it but were already working. very helpful, thanks.
so i had to miss the AWESOMEST party of the year. so i was all, "FUCK." and sadfaced. and went to work and worked cash for eight hours. and i hate cash.
and to follow up on that? another disappointment. fun.
this evening was Christmas dinner at the boyfriend's. and i was looking forward to that too. but guess what? it starts snowing this morning. beautiful fluffy make-the-roads-all-slippery snow. so i was all, "fuck."
and so dad says, "well, i probably won't be driving you out there." insert sadface here too. so then i let the boyfriend know. and he's all, "well i'll ask if i can use the four-by-four, and come and pick you up." so i cross my fingers as hard as i can.
and he calls back and says, "i can't use it, so i can't pick you up." so i was all, "FUCK!" and sadtearyfaced.
so i'm in a bit of a state right now, and really fucking disappointed. AND pissed. because i was hoping so hard for those, and to be disappointed so much twice in a row is just harsh.
life fucking sucks sometimes.
22.11.09
raincloud
there's a pile of snow in my head
an avalanche with me underneath it
frozen to the bone and barely conscious
see my fingertips, blue as can be
there's a cave, dark and damp, in my head
i'm in a tunnel, closed off by a rockfall
slowly running out of air
and my flashlight's out of batteries
there's a cemetery in my head
gravestones like teeth, pointing to the sky
six feet down and helpless
no one hears me cry
and all alone in my misery
with the tears drying on my face
i sleep again
hoping to wake to a better morning
but the world's just as dark
as it was before.
there's a little black raincloud in my head
thunder, lightning and rain
it's me, and i'm sad.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2009
an avalanche with me underneath it
frozen to the bone and barely conscious
see my fingertips, blue as can be
there's a cave, dark and damp, in my head
i'm in a tunnel, closed off by a rockfall
slowly running out of air
and my flashlight's out of batteries
there's a cemetery in my head
gravestones like teeth, pointing to the sky
six feet down and helpless
no one hears me cry
and all alone in my misery
with the tears drying on my face
i sleep again
hoping to wake to a better morning
but the world's just as dark
as it was before.
there's a little black raincloud in my head
thunder, lightning and rain
it's me, and i'm sad.
© Elizabeth Klassen 2009
25.7.09
No no say it isn't so!
remember the costume party i blogged about two posts ago? yeah my ride isn't going after all, and didn't tell me til yesterday, even though she SHOULD have known about her other event by the time i asked her if she would drive me, cos that was TWO WEEKS ago. grr. non-communication SUCKS. so then i asked someone else, who i'm fairly sure is in my area - and SHE said that she would love to drive me, BUT - guess what - she's not going after all either. so then i messaged the hostess to see if she knows of anyone in my area who could potentially give me a ride. because if i can't get a ride, i can't be at the party. which makes me really really sad, because i've been looking forward to this party for a month now. even dropped some other plans on account of it. argh. and i had the greatest costume ever. bah.
so yeah. this is me right now.
:(
so yeah. this is me right now.
:(
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