the sky

sometimes i just want to get out of here. go see the sky, you know? i miss the sky. i haven't seen it in ages. i have no windows in here, only bars. bars. and more bars. it would be nice to see the sky again, see the stars at night, the moon, the sun - feel rain and wind on my face. one of the things i miss most is the smell of a thunderstorm in summer, after it's been hot and dry for a while, and it's just starting to rain and all the dust comes up and the sky goes real dark and you hear thunder way way away where you know it can't get you - you know how kids are scared of thunderstorms? i used to hide under my blankets and hope it wasn't going to reach down and grab me - but if it was quiet enough i knew that it couldn't reach. and the lightning. i miss how it burns itself onto your eyes if you're lucky enough to be looking at the right spot when it hits. i always hated the power-outs that happened during thunderstorms. i was afraid the candles were going to fall down and burn the house from the inside out. course, there was that time when i burnt a house down, just like i was afraid i was going to. but my lawyer said to tell everyone it was an accident. so i did. i told everyone it was an accident, just like the time they found me with the dead guy and my lawyer said to say i was set up. yeah, that guy was not a nice guy. he yelled at me. he hit me and tried to make me leave. he also tried to take away my gun. i like my gun. i don't like when people try to take it. i swear i didn't mean to. it was real fast - i couldn't do anything about it. the others yelled at me after that. they didn't like that the guy was dead. but it wasn't my fault, honest. the little girl was my fault though. i was sorry about that. they said she screamed. they said she was traumatised - what does traumatised mean? - and that's why i'm in here. because of her. in this place with no windows, where i can't smell the fresh air any more. i miss the sky.



what is this?
it's like opening a present
and wrapping it at the same time.
it's like watching it snow
in the dead heat of summer.
i push you away
and pull you close simultaneously
and i'm still not sure i get it.

what is this?
it's a gordian knot made of us,
and a ten foot pole to hold it open.
it's a rocket ship to reach the stars
and a cave out of reach of the sky.
i create fences
and tear them down concurrently
but maybe i just want to run free.

what is this?
it's loneliness
and company
it's friendship
and it's not.
you push me away
but you hold me close
and i know that this is right.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009

mmm. presents. nom.

oh yeah. it was christmas. heh it kind of snuck by and i didn't blog any kind of christmas greetings. i know, lame, hey? oh well.

so. merry christmas.

so what'd i get for said christmas? cos you all care so much.
well. thanks for your interest. let's start with the small stuff and work our way up.

got a cute little ring with a dark grey enamel flower on it from my cousin.

got a black bracelet, very cute, cuff type with woven leather, kind of hard to describe but i like it; also from my cousin.

got small bottles of vanilla scented body wash and skin cream, and some korean nail decal sticker things, cutesy as all get out, tiny green flowers, and red flowers, and white flowers with pink stalks, and green flowers with pink stalks, and red and green flowers with pink leaves. so adorable. from my uncle and aunt.

got a black wallet; from aunt's mother.

got $25 winners gift card; from my mama.

got $25 in iTunes music money; $15 from my cousin, $10 from my mama.

got a green purse, very cute; from my cousin.

got a black suede jacket and a black silk/cotton blend scarf from my mama.

got an ikea queensize down duvet + 2 pillows from my grandma, and black ikea duvet cover + pillowcases from my oma. but i know my mom did the shopping. XD

so i'm pretty grateful and all. :)

so yeah. how was YOUR christmas? comment and tell me! cos i wanna know! and i gotta have more than just two responses - pretty please? cos that's all i had last time. people. i know you read my blog. honestly. so stop lurking and tell me what you got for christmas! <3
oh yeah and my 100th post is coming up soonish, being as this is my 95th post. and i might just have a surprise coming up for that one. we'll see.



stone, cold stone
marble, white and frozen
and her face stares out at me

i see the marks of the file
the chisel scars
in her porcelain breasts
and her pale arms

ice-cold maiden
cannot move nor breathe
the only touch she's known
that of the sculptor,
cutting her out of the heart
of a marble block.

her clothes cannot move or drape
her eyes cannot blink.
if she could speak
what would she say?

would she ask for warmth,
for love and tenderness?
would she revile the man who created her?
or would she cry and hide away?

an ice-white lady
marked and carved
a piece of stone given form
her eyes asking the question,
who am i?

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009



falling through the empty sky i hit the ground and smash like a pottery jug like a plate like glass shards on the floor theyre all sharp and jagged i step on them and bleed like the edge of a knife the edge of a sword slicing flesh to shreds and tatters like the clothes i wear the rags i own only fit for burning burning up and freezing cold the fever the madness and the dreams like a blind man finally seeing only my eyes work just fine thanks and it is a lovely day outside isnt it just right as rain freezing rain and burning and i stand but still im falling through a hole in the earth hit the atmosphere on the other side and keep on past the moon lovely moon got craters in it like the ones in my mind hey what do you know maybe theyre a match for each other got a match i need a smoke and you know what they say where theres smoke theres fire and im burning burning and freezing its this damned fever it just wont go away no matter how they medicate my depression which oddly enough means a hole remember how i said i had craters in my head yeah its depression it was a stupid joke just like the april fools they pulled on me when they said i was fine well you know what they say fine stands for fucked up insecure neurotic and emotional which is pretty damned what was i saying oh screw it anyway im on my way out of here like a rocket ship to see the universe with tail blazing burning and freezing i hear its freezing in space freezing like this fever like an icecube in a fire burning and freezing and im melting like that icecube melting into a puddle and evaporating into the clouds way way up there its kind of neat seeing the world from here and its so cold freezing cold and im part of the cloud part of a dark dark thunderstorm and its started raining and im a raindrop a tiny little raindrop and im falling falling through the empty sky i hit the ground and smash...


often worse.

i stay awake at night as long as i can
to keep Tomorrow from coming
i dread each day that's due to arrive
from the relative safety of now
and i hope, secretly, to myself
that i'll burn in my bed,
or catch a deadly illness,
or get poisoned, stabbed, or otherwise made extinct
just so i won't have to fear Tomorrow anymore.
but it always comes,
and is sometimes better than i was afraid it would be
and often worse.
but i still dread Tomorrow.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009



my origins and my endings elude me
the definition of self a blur
a veil, a mist, and i don't know where i am
how can i move, if i don't see my feet?

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009


merry christmas. it's snowy out there.

eyes closed
she's not breathing
no second chance now;
her clothes waterlogged
and face calm
beneath a thin layer of ice

an accident?
or a suicide?
drowned and so peaceful now.
it's an age before she's discovered
time for the snow to fall
around the pool

quick hands, laughing eyes,
tender mouth, frozen;
no longer animated by a soul
and only memories,
untouched by ice, are left
to those who knew her

and yet in death
a pale, cold, and peaceful death
she smiles on still.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009


i know you.

where did you go?
cos i'll follow.
i'll search, i'll find you
right to the furthest, darkest corners of your mind

where did you run to?
are you trying to hide?
don't you know my eyes
see right through your masks, through your disguise?

and when you hope that no-one sees
you're forgetting me
i know you
i know you.

where are you now?
don't you know i love you?
can't you see the tears
i cry when i see your despair, your pain, your fears?

i love you
i'll never leave you
i'm right here
i'll never leave you on your own
i know you

and when you hope that no-one sees
you're forgetting me
i know you
i know you
and i'm here.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009


so ... kind of disappointed doesn't even cover my emotional state right now.

last night was a party - a Decemberween party (that's a birthday-costume party in december, for the uninitiated) - and i've been planning on going since Decemberween LAST year. found out a couple weeks ago, that my work scheduled me for a 2pm-10pm shift the same day. meaning, i would miss the party entirely. so i was all, "fuck."
so i posted on the board at work that i needed someone to take my shift. i posted like a week and a half beforehand. and no one took it. a few people said they would take it but were already working. very helpful, thanks.
so i had to miss the AWESOMEST party of the year. so i was all, "FUCK." and sadfaced. and went to work and worked cash for eight hours. and i hate cash.

and to follow up on that? another disappointment. fun.
this evening was Christmas dinner at the boyfriend's. and i was looking forward to that too. but guess what? it starts snowing this morning. beautiful fluffy make-the-roads-all-slippery snow. so i was all, "fuck."
and so dad says, "well, i probably won't be driving you out there." insert sadface here too. so then i let the boyfriend know. and he's all, "well i'll ask if i can use the four-by-four, and come and pick you up." so i cross my fingers as hard as i can.
and he calls back and says, "i can't use it, so i can't pick you up." so i was all, "FUCK!" and sadtearyfaced.

so i'm in a bit of a state right now, and really fucking disappointed. AND pissed. because i was hoping so hard for those, and to be disappointed so much twice in a row is just harsh.
life fucking sucks sometimes.


oh siblings.

abby: the key to essays is:
a.) stating the obvious
b.) using strong language. [means strong vocab]

lizzi: ah, yes, i know about strong language.

nathan: [interrupts] you mean like "FUCK" and "SHIT". [loudly]

lizzi & abby: [laughter]

nathan: what??

a possible song? ... Space Between.

i'm in a space between
myself and my rage
a long cool glass of milk
and a chili pepper
and i don't know how to toe this line

only the air holds me in
nature abhors my shape
the pressure the only thing
keeping me together
and i can't keep holding my breath

i fight to stay alive
i try to keep on
going and going and going and gone
i won't be here much longer

no song says everything
that i need it to say
no book will hold the feelings
i carry inside
and i can't just write it all

i'm in a space between
myself and me
and i don't even know who i am.

© Elizabeth Klassen 2009


one more thing:

i've decided on one more thing to add to my christmas wishlist - SLIPPERS.
big fluffy black or red ones.
boot-shaped, so they stay on my feet.
none of this mule-type nonsense; they have to cover my whole foot.
gotta be warm ones, to keep my frozen toes all toasty.
because right now, i feel like i've got icicles for feet.

please and thank you, santa...


fitting room fun.

was working in the fitting room yesterday, and had a few straaaaange customers come through.

customer number 1
[setting scene: fitting room attendant (me) stops tall man carrying four pairs of jeans, trailed by pre-teen daughter]

me: let me just count you in.

[i count jeans, hand him a blue "4" tag, he and daughter start to walk into fitting room, whereupon i stop him again and hand the daughter a gray "0" tag]

man: what's that for?
me: it's because she's not taking anything in with her, but we still have to give her a tag. it's so that we know how many people are in the fitting rooms in case of an emergency.

[man rolls his eyes and carries on into the fitting room to try on his jeans.]

· · some time later · ·

[man and daughter emerge from the depths]

man: i left everything in the change-room, is that okay?
me: [stunned silence, jaw dropped]
me: no.... that's not really okay, can i ask you to bring everything out, please?

[man goes back to fetch the jeans, the hangers, and the number tags]

and before people get upset at me for being mean to a customer, i have to count all the items that come out of the fitting room before the customer leaves to make sure nothing got stolen back there, i have to have all my plastic number tags in order, i can't leave the front of the fitting room to grab the stuff from where it got left, and i'm the only one in the fitting room at a time. so for HIS laziness, I would have got in trouble.

customer number two
let me preface this one by saying I AM NOT RACIST.

[setting scene: asian lady, probably korean, DEFINITELY esl, carrying seven sportwear-type jackets, is stopped by the fitting room attendant. yes, that's me again.]

me: let me just count you in.

[counts jackets, finds that there are seven]

me: excuse me, you have seven jackets here. the maximum you can take into the fitting rooms is six. i can put one on a holding bar for you, if you like, and when you're ready, you can exchange it for one you don't want. so which one would you like to leave behind?

lady [clearly didn't understand a word of what i said]: can i? [points to the fitting room, trying to ask if she can just take them all in]

me: i'm sorry, the maximum you can take is six. you have seven. i can keep one here for you, if you want.

lady [starting to figure it out]: how many?...

me [resorts to holding up fingers, but desperately trying to remain calm and patient]: six.

[lady hands me one of her jackets, starts to walk towards the fitting rooms]

me: excuse me, i have to give you a number. [hands her a black "6" tag]

and of course i had a customer behind her, waiting to be counted in, watching the whole thing and getting irritated with the lady because she couldn't understand what i was trying to explain. argh.

then there was the brazilian/portugese couple (not sure which, only know they were speaking portugese) - the lady was trying on stuff, and the dude with her was in the womens' rooms with her - and he was making my job VERY difficult, because he would leave with an item that she had decided she didn't want, and coming back with other items. so in the end, the number of items didn't match the tag that i originally gave her, and he never had a tag to begin with, cos he just marched on through, never mind the tags - and i couldn't do anything cos they also only spoke basic basic english.

good times.


here's one meme that makes me happy. yes. i'm sharing it on my blog. got a problem with that?

22 ways to make a girl smile.

1. Tell her she is beautiful or gorgeous (not fine, or sexy.)

2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if it's just for a second.

3. Kiss her on the forehead/neck.

4. Leave her voice messages to wake up to.

5. When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.

7. Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.

8. Write her notes. (she loves them.)

9. Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend and not your "chick"!

10. Play with her hair.

11. Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.

12. Sit in the park and just talk to her.

13. Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.

15. If she's mad at you, kiss her.

16. Give her piggyback rides.

17. Bring her flowers.

18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile.

20. Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.

21. Kiss her in the rain.

22. If you're in love with her . . . TELL her. If you're sincere, she will never tire of hearing it.


my christmas wishlist.

and yes, i know some of these are way way WAY out of the question. but that's why it's called a WISH-list. man - dontcha hate growing up? suddenly you want expensive things. but at least it's a jumping-off point for a more reasonable list...

(image from flickr: AnthonyCarlucci)
1. laptop

(image from flickr: Mademoiselle → M)
2. iPhone (or will those work on the rogers network? dunno. oh well.)
or even just a new/better phone than the one i've got.
because the one i've got now is dead and dying.

(image from flickr: Mike Wood Photography)
3. corset - a real one.

(image from flickr: miettedarling)
4. another piercing - or maybe a tat, a small one.

(image from flickr: Fivel-)
5. pretty much any kind of, you know, black/gothic clothing

(image from flickr: Peter Hinson)
or REALLY ambitious:
6. a piece from gibbous fashions
(oh please oh please oh please)

(image from flickr: ashley.adcox)
7. tickets to see TFK

(image from zambooie: TFK Skeleton T-shirt)
8. or a piece of TFK merch, maybe.

(image from flickr: hvyilnr)
9. twilight dvd? or maybe the books?

(image from flickr: balo_erets)
10. a proper acoustic guitar.