A riddle.

One if the riddles of my existence is the fact that I judge other people based on my own judgments of myself.

Sometimes when I'm with a friend, and I'm having fun, I would be perfectly happy to hang out with them all day. But when I think about how they are feeling, I assume that they are totally sick of being around me, that they want me to leave them alone, and that I am being a total nuisance.

I then spiral into a black and self-hating hole, where I assume that since my friend, as I assumed, doesn't want me around, then I am a horrible person, and therefore the world hates me and therefore I should also hate me, and if the world hates me, then my friend does too, and therefore I am an even worse person for inflicting myself on them, so then I hate myself even more.

And this happens even when I know the person really well.

I try not to let myself go into that sad little spiral, but sometimes, no matter how careful I am, I still slip up and fall in.

It's not fun.


  1. Wouldn't it be sensible to conclude, particularly if it's someone you know well, that since they've presumably met you before, if you were a horrible person and they didn't really like you, they would have avoided meeting up with you again? Or at the very least set it up so that they only had to spend a limited amount of time with you.

    I would tend to take repeated interaction, particularly open-ended interaction, to mean that they probably quite like you. But maybe I'm just being cynical ;)

  2. see, that kind of logic doesn't present itself to my brain when i'm already in the loop of "i suck - people hate me - i should go away - because i'm not going away i suck even more - people hate me even more -" ... i can agree with that logic when i'm outside of it. but when i'm in it, well...

  3. Just so you know, this has never happened when we hang out. I love being around you. You are interesting, funny and probably the most intelligent person I know. Hope to see you sometime during the holidays! I've been so busy with school. Hang in there friend. You are loved, and you are very special. :)