Hey teacher leave those kids alone // Everything she does is magic // Time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future // I am the Eggman, I am the Eggman, I am the Walrus....

Unfamiliar desk; Blue Screens Of Death; Classic Rock from a Washington station playing on my left; and a wide-open door on the right.

Today I'm at a different location than on previous days. This means new stuff to learn, different systems of doing things, and lots of blue screens of death if you don't change SATA settings to IDE in the BIOS, at least on specific machines....

I'll be here Wednesdays and Thursdays for a while; until the end of May, after which, I'm here Thursdays and Fridays. The other three days of the week I'm at the old location, so I'm back and forth. Keeps things interesting, I suppose.

Last night I voted in the BC election. I have decided (like most Canadians, I suspect) that I don't like politics, and that sometimes the lesser of two weevils is the best option. The irony, of course, is that at UFV I'm totally involved in student politics - you can't help it, though, if you're President of a student Association. Still, doesn't mean I have to like it.

Tonight I'm going to rewatch last week's Doctor Who with a friend who hasn't seen it yet, and I'm kind of looking forward to watching it again as well - have I mentioned how fantastic of an actor Matt Smith is? I'm fully expecting my friend to get very excited for the season finale (which, let me remind you, is this week!!). I watched two older episodes last night, for kicks - The Pandorica Opens and Big Bang.
I also have to watch the NCIS finale this week sometime yet. Last week's episode left me on the edge of my seat on account of Gibbs.
Castle's finale made me cry a little, mostly in a good way - but there was a moment where Nathan Fillion did his really hurt betrayal face, it was almost like the one scene in Firefly: Ariel where he has Jayne in the airlock - he's so very good at that, and that was one of the bits that made me cry.

I just realised that once my shows are over, I'll have even less to write about. *sadface* Aw well, maybe I'll start doing movie reviews - the new Star Trek movie is coming out this week. Oh boy!

Anyhow, that's my day in a nutshell.

And yes, the title of this post is lines from some of the songs that I've heard on the radio this morning. Listening to the Eggman/Walrus song right this second, actually.
Toodles, all.

argh!!

So, I imaged a handful of computers yesterday, and I'm trying to finish off their setup this morning.

Of course the first one I try to get going doesn't
a) have the antivirus running on it
b) have the nfixes it's supposed to have.

The other fun bit is that there's network drives that are supposed to automagically map to drives on my admin account - but because there's some setting that's not set up for my account, that doesn't work. So I have to go and map the important drives by hand. Why hello, DOS command line. I missed you too.

And of course, the computer that does have the antivirus has out-of-date definitions. Or something.

Also, why do these updates take so flipping long? And why not just use Linux, really?

Well, I'm going to go watch computers update. It's like watching paint dry or grass grow.
Toodles.

Happy Monday

So I haven't written a post yet today; I suppose I ought to do that. For SCIENCE .... or something.

It won't be nearly as clever as a sonnet, nor nearly as full of content as the one I did when I came back to this blog, but that's mostly because I had no new revolutionary ideas over the weekend.

I did have a Nerf-gun fight with some friends on Saturday, it was my friend's birthday and he likes to throw Nerf-day parties. Basically we ran around in a park with lots of brightly coloured guns and foam swords, and lost a metric ton of little Nerf darts. It was fairly entertaining.
On Saturday, also, I watched the most recent Doctor Who episode. Besides the bratty kid and her brother, it was a damn good episode - I love Matt Smith's schizophrenic Doctor so very much! I am seriously looking forward to the next episode. Oh man. The one thing I am not looking forward to about next week is that it's the fricken season finale. *sadface* (Note to self: look up "He Said, She Said", the prequel to next week's ep, on youtube.)

I also had a rather wee, somewhat banal, but slightly euphoric epiphany this evening; I live in my own damn house.
I realise that's obvious to most of you, but one of the implications of that concept is that because it's my own damn house, if I feel like moving my pillows and my blanket to the couch and camping in the living room with a movie (or reddit) on my computer on my lap, I can do that. I could even sleep on the freaking couch if I want to. The only reason I haven't, is that old habits die hard (thanks, Mom).
So I'm happily camped under my blanket with a cup of chai tea poured from my charming TARDIS teapot. Because I can. Wheeee!

And that's all for now, folks.

(Did I really just say that? Oh dear. Next thing you know, I'll be saying YOLO...)

Anyhow -

Toodles!

Friday. Thank goodness.

Well, it's Friday. I can go home in twenty minutes, after the slowest eight hours of my life.
My supervisor has been at some kind of training for two days, so she wasn't in today, and my other co-worker stayed home sick, apparently he had some bad curry yesterday or something. So I've been sitting alone in the office all day without more than ten minutes' human interaction. I did have a phone call about a laptop (that I don't have the capability of fixing) and another about a printer (ditto) - but fortunately I was told that anything I couldn't do, I ought to refer to the IT guy at another location. So I did that. I did scan in some documents for someone, and sent some emails, so I wasn't entirely without duties...
When I get home, I think I might make some kind of paleo something-or-other and then take it with me to the young adults barbecue tonight. We'll see.

It's funny, cos I'm only out-of-my-mind bored because I haven't had anything to do. I could care less about human interaction; welcome to the world of introverts :)

Ah yes, and tomorrow, I believe, someone is having a Nerf-day party that I think I may attend. Replete with Nerf swords. Yes. I hope it stays sunny.

Finally finished: I Saw The Mountains Reappear, Fog-Kiss'd.

I started this Shakespearean sonnet in November 2011, and left it saved as a draft for quite a while. Thought I'd pull it out and finish it off. I almost declared it finished at ten lines after some effort this morning, and then realised that I needed another four! In my own opinion, it's not too bad for someone who doesn't usually write in form....

I saw the mountains reappear, fog-kiss'd,
As all your vast and undulating hills
Are ransomed by the rising sun from mist.
So let the dark eternal night that fills
The sky, and hosts the moon's alluring rest,
Now bid a fond farewell to waking Earth,
Who turns to warm herself at Sun's sweet breast
And slowly, in this dawn, a new rebirth;
Triumphal golden halos, touch of light,
Surrounding all with gentle flame anew,
Exalt the young and dewy Morning bright:
A princess, cloud-throned, in a sky of blue.
No longer let Earth rest in night enstarred,
Awaken all, and, with Earth, sleep discard.

A very small victory - you might call it miniscule...

I have just discovered - not that it's hugely important to the Future Of The World or anything - that my desk is adjustable in such a way that I can put it at a height that is comfortable for standing at.

I realise that it's not going to affect your life. But I was tired of sitting in a chair, and if I can stand at my desk, I will be much happier.

Toodles!

Another Thursday.

Good morning.

I have nothing to say today. Nothing exciting or new happened between this time yesterday and now, but I'll give a short summary just because I can.

Yesterday I was at work at 8 am. I opened and closed three tickets, and I sat at a desk. I ate my lunch and went for a walk with my co-workers after lunch. At four, I went home.
At home I watched Monday's episode of Castle, and Tuesday's episode of NCIS (on which topic, by the way: WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?!?), and I may have eaten some dinner. I actually legitimately don't remember. That's odd.
At 7.30, I left my house and did some quickie grocery shopping. Got home by 9, and spent another forty-five minutes or so wandering the series of tubes. Then I went to bed.
My alarm went off at 6.15, and I got up and did stuff and then went to work. At about 8 I submitted my timesheet for my first week of work, and since then I've been sitting at my desk browsing reddit. It's very exciting.

Oh, I guess one thing did happen: Hyperbole and a Half has returned to her blog this morning after about eighteen months away. It's good to read her stuff again. If you've never heard of her, she's the brilliant originator of "ALL THE THINGS".

In other "news", I'm completely obsessed with my Vibram FiveFinger shoes - I wear them everywhere I can get away with wearing them. Also, I require tea. Also, welcome to near-stream-of-consciousness writing, because I'm bored and I wish to write, but have no clue what to write about specifically. Hence the very short and uninteresting summary of Yesterday through to Today.

I suppose I could post this and go do something else, but frankly, Something Else will probably consist of Reddit or Minesweeper, both of whose depths I have plumbed enough for one week, so I'd honestly rather be inflicting Relentless and Unceasing Blog upon you all. Ergh, that sounds like a disease...

So. Relentless and Unceasing.
Ironically, I have now run out of things to say.

Signing off.
Toodles!

Working so hard.

Today marks the end of the first week working at my new job.

It’s a co-op job, i.e. co-operative with my university – meaning, I get university credit for it, and I get work experience for my resume, the company I work for gets cheap (that is, cheaper than a regular employee doing the same job) labour for a semester, so they don’t have to commit to hiring me forever, AND I get paid for my time. So it’s pretty much benefits on all sides.

Today I opened and closed my first ticket in the ticketing system – actually, my first ticket ever. Tickets, if you’re unfamiliar with them, are ways of reporting incidents (especially in helpdesk work) in such a manner that it’s easy to see whose the problem is, who’s reporting it, what the problem is, and whom it’s assigned to. You can assign it to someone specific, or to a group, and you can escalate a ticket by assigning it to someone higher up. Theoretically simple. A bit time-consuming in reality. But it gives management a good way to see statistics on what the IT department does and when. It probably took me longer to type in the ticket for the DVD drive replacement I did on Monday than to do the actual replacement, but hey. Just doing my .... job.

My coworkers are good fun – the two of them bicker like siblings. Sometimes it gets a little overwhelming, but I enjoy it most of the time – they do mean well, and there are some good jokes.

And then sometimes one has to deal with Users. Users are a special breed of human being. They don’t always do useful smart things, and in pursuit of making life easier for them, they don’t always make us do things that are useful or smart either. This I have learned after one short week.

But my day is almost over, and then I will go home and watch this week’s episodes of Castle and NCIS, because I went to Bible study last night instead of watching shows.

Toodles, all.

REAL people...

Last night, I was scrolling through my facebook news feed, as one does, and I saw a photo someone had 'shared'. It was a photo of a woman's belly covered in pregnancy stretch marks, and it bore a caption that (summarised) called for people to post photos of themselves, no matter what they looked like, to fight the Photoshop culture of media.

It also included statements like:
"Real women have stretch marks."
"Real women have curves."
"Real people..."

Don't get me wrong, here. While I am all for resisting the prevalence of Photoshop in advertisements and the like, I cannot help but be equally resistant to campaigns saying that REAL people are a certain way.

"Real women have stretch marks." So, because I've never had a child and therefore have no pregnancy stretch marks, I'm not a real woman? I beg to differ. I have breasts and a vagina just like every other female on the planet. Just because I haven't had children yet doesn't make me less than someone who has. And what about those few women who get to have children without the stretch marks? Does that make them not real, somehow? No, they're real just as much as I am.

"Real women have curves." Don't hate me, but I'm 5'9"ish, and 120ish lbs. I have always been a stick, a bean-pole, a twig, tiny, skinny, thin, slender - there's no end to the words that get applied to my body type. I have a small chest and nearly no hips. I am under no misapprehensions about what shape and size I am. Yes, I'm very close to the magazine ideal. But. Phrases like "real women have curves" make me feel angry - that the idea that having fewer curves makes me less of a woman. I'm not this way on purpose, I am just the size I am and have always been. Am I inadequate simply because I'm thin?

"Real people..." I realise all these "Real People" campaigns that get started are an effort to help people's self-esteem by accepting and de-marginalising the larger/stretch-marked/what-have-you people, but the problem is, this re-marginalises those who are thinner/scar-less/what-have-you. I'm not less than human simply because of what I look like, but neither are you.

So, I'd like to argue, with all due respect and consideration, that REAL people are kind, REAL people are accepting, and REAL people are all different sizes and appearances. REAL people don't marginalise anyone, REAL people don't judge books based solely on their covers, and REAL people don't allow others to judge or bully anyone.

Real people love.

Toodles :)

Blogging on purpose...

Sometimes I feel like I talk too much or too loudly, and sometimes I feel like I can’t open my mouth.

Today is one of the days where my mouth won’t open, and I have to work doubly hard to even make my fingers move on the keyboard. I feel like I have nothing to say that could possibly be worthwhile, and why would anyone listen to me anyways?

So today I’m blogging on purpose. Maybe it’ll help. It’s better than not saying anything at all, by far. Because there are a lot of days where I don’t say anything. I sit in my house and I don’t interact with people. Which, admittedly, I find quite pleasant on occasion; I even talk to myself, because, of course, one ought always to speak to the person present with the most intelligence, and usually, that happens to be me.

But not interacting can be isolating. I frequently have to explain to people (extroverts, mostly) that there is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. I like being alone; I like being left alone. It’s a pleasant break to not have to deal with people sometimes. But sometimes I get lonely. There’s a difference. I don’t know how best to describe that difference, I just know it’s there. And when I’m legitimately lonely, my head noise breaks in and makes me want to talk to people even less, while I’m still craving human interaction.

Goddamnit, head noise. Leave me alone.

Toodles, all.

Bombardments

It's been a while.

I could make excuses. I could say how busy I've been. I could, and I could, and I could...

But I think mostly it's because I'm unsure about how best to come back. Is it awkward, after eight months, to just jump back in and say, "Hey guys, it's me again, let me bombard you with my life and thoughts and stuff and things, same as I did ... a whole year ago!"?

Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that people leaving and coming back without warning is normal and not awkward in the slightest.
So therefore, if that's the case, you may, if you wish, sit back with a nice cup of Tea Earl Grey Hot, and prepare yourself for a nice, calming, chilled-out:

"HEY GUYS, IT'S ME AGAIN, LET ME BOMBARD YOU WITH MY LIFE AND THOUGHTS AND STUFF AND THINGS, SAME AS I DID A WHOLE YEAR AGO."

Following that theme, in recent news (so that I don't alarm you unduly with references to things that happened that you didn't previously know about):

• I sang backing vocals with a symphonic metal band for two live shows (one in December, one in April) and it was fantastic: http://www.leahthemusic.com/
• I started playing Pathfinder, the D&D-like role-playing game. I play in two campaigns: one, as a skill-monkey half-elf rogue/ranger who speaks in a Scottish accent - and the other, as a dumb-as-a-post half-orc barbarian named Thump whose two obsessions are things that are Shiny, and things that can be thumped, such as goblins.
• (I'm surprised it took me this long to discover role-playing games - SO MUCH FUN.)
• I just finished my second year at university studying Computer Information Systems, and I've just started my second term as President of the Computer Information Systems Student Association. I've also just started my first Co-op work term: I get school credit for it, and work experience in my field, AND I get paid for it, all of which make me reasonably happy.
• I got a new tattoo in April, bringing my total tattoos up to four, if you count the teensy stick-and-poke I did on my own hip four years ago. The new one is on the inside of my bicep, is in Latin, and says: "Sed et si monti huic dixeritis: Tolle et jacta te in mare, fiet." Translated: "But if you say to this mountain: Get up and cast yourself into the sea, it will be done." Found in Matthew 21:21, for the curious.
• I'm still at my wonderful little basement suite, and I couldn't be happier with where I'm living. Even the occasional noise of the tenants upstairs doesn't bother me.
• I've completely caught up on Doctor Who, at last, and I've been watching the current episodes as they come out, which has been great fun. I do love Clara with the Doctor. They have such great chemistry.
• Speaking of TV shows, I've been watching NCIS and Castle as per usual, but on my dad's recommendation I've just started a new one, it's called Continuum. A cop from 2077 accidentally gets dumped into Vancouver in 2012 along with a terrorist group called Liber8. It's pretty good so far, but I'm only about halfway through the first season still.

 So there; I have accomplished my bombardments and my return. It wasn't too painful, was it?

But don't worry, you'll be hearing from me again, hopefully in reasonably short order.

Toodles!

WELL

I MOVED

i'm all alone in a happy little basement suite with laminate flooring and pot-lights and a kitchen to myself.
I'M SO HAPPY.

i don't have internet yet, so i'm currently at my parents' house again, using their internet - and when i start classes (THIS WEEK) i can use the internet at the university. so that's alright.

on friday morning i went grocery shopping. i bought a crap ton of meat - a big tub of ground beef, two GIANT steaks (i forget what the cut was, but these things were YUGE), and sixteen chicken thighs - most of it thirty percent off, due to age, i'm assuming. my secret trick: sandwich-size ziploc bags. i cut all the meat into one-person portions, and FROZE ALL THE THINGS.

freezer full of meat for cheap? win.

also, whistling teakettle, and bamboo dishrack, and firefly posters, and slowly emptying boxes, and shelves full of books. these things make me happy.

the trouble with.... a tribble?

so yesterday i went to the PNE for the first time in my life. actually, i did a bunch of firsts yesterday.

the PNE, taken on the whole, was a fun and entertaining novelty experience, but i would have no desire to go multiple times in one year, it would get overwhelming and such.

i also went on a rollercoaster for the first time ever; i went on the wooden one and spent most of it clinging desperately to the bar because i would totally have flown out of my seat otherwise, what with me being so light.

and a ferris wheel, which went surprisingly faster than it looks like it does from the ground, that was fun.

among other entertaining rides. i didn't do any SUPER crazy ones, simply because i really am not an adrenaline junkie, and i just can't handle those ones yet. like the twin flip and the hellevator and similar terrifying things.

but the best part, and the part that made the entry fee totally worth it: the star trek exhibition. where i was not allowed to take photos. :(
they had all kinds of outfits on mannequins in glass cases - they had spock's uniform, and the white robe he wears in "a voyage home", they had one of guinan's outfits, and picard's uniform, and data's, they had both uhura's uniforms, TOS and the new movie, they had neelix's outfit, they had romulan and reman uniforms, they had khan's torn-up outfit, and they had seven of nine's uniform as well. i kind of fangirled all over the place.
never mind the models of alien's heads, and data's head too, and phasers of all kinds, and the PADDs, and the tricorders, and they had a freaking bat'leth too. there were ship models, and a replica of picard's rooms with a section of hallway right in front.
and they also had a couple of photo ops - one on the bridge of the enterprise, TNG era, one on a transporter array, and there was one with a greenscreen but i don't know what they put behind it.
i bought a photo of me on the bridge. i know, i know. but i had to.
i also bought a pin with data's face on it, and a tribble. yes, i HAD TO. what a foolish question.

so yeah. yesterday: success.

what? twice in one week?

so, um, i'm back?
instead of ... erm ... packing ... which i should be doing on account of i want to move on thursday next ...

the other thing i've been doing instead of packing, is pinning useful things on my pinterest board. i totally ripped off disney's family channel, title-wise, and created a board i called Suite Life, to which i'm pinning things that i plan to use once i move into my new suite. i hate The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, by the way - it's inane and not funny at all - but the pun is amusing, so i don't care that i had to steal it from such a rubbishy sitcom.

also, had to hunt down my t4 from tim hortons in chilliwack - they hadn't sent it to me, even though i gave them my address 3 times; my mom and i had to drive down to chilliwack to pick it up, this week! grrr. i needed it to do my tax return (which i should have done in spring, but for the aforementioned lack of t4), which i needed for my student loan for this semester. here's hoping i don't have to wait too long for it, and that it comes in before fees are due at school ...

anyways. thought i'd write something quickly just to get myself back in the habit; now i'm going to go do some more boxing-up things. and then i work at 2pm. no rest for the wicked....

after months of silence...

i know, it's been a while since i ... put finger to keyboard? ... well, blogged, anyway.

some of those months of silence are attributable to school, both university-type and high-school-type, and some are attributable to finding a job (during which i was also doing the high-school-type school). but most of the time, i think, it was the fault of my own laziness that i didn't write anything - but laziness doesn't seem the right word either. sometimes i would think of something i could blog about, but then it seemed awkward coming back as if no empty space had happened in between. and sometimes i would actually sit down to write, and then nothing would come out. but the worst, what happened to me most often, is when i had so much to say that i just couldn't, because as soon as i would start writing or typing or WHATEVER, that it would all come spilling out like one of those cartoon closets, where everything is jampacked up to the ceiling - you just touch one thing and ALL the things come down on you... kind of like that paragraph of brain vomit that totally just happened.

so after all that brainmush, here i am.

big changes: i found a basement suite. all my own. no roommates. so my bedroom at my parents' house is now in a state of boxy upheaval as i try to pack between the hours that i work.
oh yes, and i have a job. timmy ho's again. yeah.
my hair is short, and pink, and later i'll post a picture, maybe. i suspect most of my more regular readership (if there is any of those out there) actually knows me and is friends with me on facebook, but for the ones that aren't, yes, that's what i did to my hair.
changed my diet - and am eating paleo now. the funny looks i get when i say i'm not eating any grains or beans or sugar, are just fantastic, and they make it totally worth it. it can be hard, and hey, i have my cheat days same as anyone else does, but i love paleo. i mean, bacon every day if i want it. how can that be bad?
got a new tattoo, too - but again, old news to the people who are on facebook.

accomplishments: finished math 12 - had to do four units in a week and a half, while i was working, so i was cramming like crazy. not sure i remember most of it, but i got 84.27% at the end of the whole thing -  EXCEPT, when i asked them to fax my mark to the university (so i could use math 12 as a prerequisite for a class), the record the university now has is 86%. so i got a narrow A out of it, which i really shouldn't have, nor do i know how it happened. but i'm not complaining!

i'm also determined that when september arrives and i have time (time? what? work + school + homework + CISSA? time?) and i can get to the gym, i'm starting the workouts outlined in The New Rules of Lifting For Women. weightlifting wins. waaaaay more fun than running.

i'm definitely excited about having my own place again - but i'm also a bit nervous, because it'll actually be my own. no roommate. so i need to get some basics. like cutlery and plates and glasses for the kitchen. at my shared apartment, we used all her dishes for eating off of. all the cooking stuff was mine, but the eating stuff was all hers.
i have to get that and other things, like a broom, and laundry soap, and dish soap, and toilet paper, and a shelving/hanging unit (cos my bedroom doesn't have a closet)... all that and i still don't have my student loan for the next semester...

and that's all i got for now. let's see if i can keep up on this for a while.

cravings

i crave quiet
not sullen silence
not the sound of air that rings with anger
and the remembrance of the words last hurled
i crave peace
not whispered jabs
not frozen fury, felt as a chill in the air
or murderous glances directed at anyone nearby

to have quiet and peace
to have calm and rest
sanctuary from strife

not here, not today;
hold out one more moment
be still as a gull on a stone in the sea
watch the waves and feel the breeze
knowing at any moment, to take wing and rise

to have quiet and peace
calm and rest
sanctuary in the storm

cranky day.

today is cranky day.
today, i rebel and i refuse.
today, i don't want to do things the way i know i ought to.

fuck doing something new. fuck taking action. i have a friend who insists that action is greater than inaction. but i'll tell you right now that taking action SUCKS. inaction is easier. inaction means you don't get hurt as quickly.
taking action, well - it hurts sometimes. and you feel like an ass sometimes. and then you wanna sit in a corner with your stash of guilty-pleasure snacks and/or a nice bottle of something and not move til everyone around you has forgotten that you even existed in the first place, never mind forgetting what you did.
and there's no one you can apologise to, because really you're the only one that hurts and you did it to yourself anyhow, and then when you're curled up in the corner you say things to to yourself like, well, i guess i'm just a fucking idiot, why the fuck did i do that, that was so dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid, now don't ever do anything that retarded ever again, no, actually, NEVER do anything again EVER.
and then you feel like crap.
and the next time you throw inaction out the window, and oh, look! it backfired on you AGAIN! well, now you're just all kinds of idiot for not listening to yourself when you said not to do anything again ever. serves you right, dumb-butt, why the hell didn't you listen to your own advice, why the fuck would you do a thing like that when you knew what happened last time.
inaction is so much easier. inaction means you don't impale yourself on a stupid decision and end up bleeding all over the place.
doing something. bah.

maybe tomorrow i'll be back to my normal masochistic impale-myself-on-my-own-decisions self.
today, i don't wanna.

umbrellas

i see thunderclouds scudding by
past the lonely hills, grey and muffled
disappearing over the horizon
driven before the gale like cattle

streaks of ice-cold rain chill the air
soaking into the crevasses of the earth
winter-bare branches reach sky-ward
empty nests perched on the highest limbs

the cold cleaves through skin and muscle
i have no respite from the implacable wind
here yet wander i, restless and uncaring
past silent trees and flood-sated streams.

i see the thunderclouds scudding by
past my lonely head, horizon to horizon
my hair grows wet with rain.
umbrellas are for wimps.

shards on the tile, shards of my mind

is the glass half empty, or is it half full? because i find my glass has shattered on the tile, and i can see myself reflected in every tiny piece. here lies my eye, here my lip. here an ear and there an arm. no piece reflecting all, but each taking some small portion and throwing it back disconnected from the whole. do i mend it? or do i discard it? is it even worth thinking about, or should i just walk away and leave the shards lying where they fell, reflecting pieces of what they see? if i step forward or if i step back, my blood smears the tiles as the broken glass mercilessly jabs my feet; but if i stand unmoving, my reflection mocks me without remorse, all the tiny pieces jumbled together into a crude representation, not truly myself.

outside i see the trees. all the leaves are gone, vanished into some cruel fancy of the wind, or clustered on the ground in pathetic heaps. the sky hints of snow. the air is icy, and i shiver at the thought of going out.

if i had my way, i would isolate myself from everything and everyone, to go hide in some dark secluded hole, where no-one can find me. i would have no reminders of things left undone, of words left unsaid, of changes left unmade. i would see no shadows of things i could have done, should have done, ought to have done differently. and for once the snide and ruthless audience that resides in my head, and lives to tell me what i did wrong, will have silence instead of critiques. oh, to hear a void in my mind, rather than the opera-house full of mockery and ridicule, that would be glorious indeed.

my eyes sting with half-conceived tears, and a dull ache has settled in my heart. my emotions have tied themselves in a knot in the middle of my chest and will not come undone, no matter how or which way i tug, and the end will not show itself.

so is the glass half empty? or is it half full? or perhaps it is shattered.

A riddle.

One if the riddles of my existence is the fact that I judge other people based on my own judgments of myself.

Sometimes when I'm with a friend, and I'm having fun, I would be perfectly happy to hang out with them all day. But when I think about how they are feeling, I assume that they are totally sick of being around me, that they want me to leave them alone, and that I am being a total nuisance.

I then spiral into a black and self-hating hole, where I assume that since my friend, as I assumed, doesn't want me around, then I am a horrible person, and therefore the world hates me and therefore I should also hate me, and if the world hates me, then my friend does too, and therefore I am an even worse person for inflicting myself on them, so then I hate myself even more.

And this happens even when I know the person really well.

I try not to let myself go into that sad little spiral, but sometimes, no matter how careful I am, I still slip up and fall in.

It's not fun.